Whenever I come out of a round of struggling with my depression, the relief is always incredible.  It makes no difference if I've been struggling with my worst despair for a year or if it's just been a miserable couple of weeks. It always surprises me when the relief comes. I'll catch myself enjoying the small fact that I can put my fall workout clothes on (even if they're a bit snug because I've gained a lot of weight since last year). I'll think, 'No more Counting Crows and Goo Goo Dolls, I want to listen to Lady Gaga.' I'll reach out to people I haven't talked to in awhile and ask them how things are going in their life, and really, really want to know.

Those aren't things I can enjoy when I'm struggling. Small, I know, but I'm optimistic in the way that makes sense to me.  As long as I don't feel like I'm trying to swim while carrying an anchor around my neck, I'm pretty effing happy.

Today is one of those days I'm resurfacing. After a few weeks of getting worked up by every little thing and doing nothing in my free time but drinking wine and watching TV, today I felt so much better. I've been eating better and drinking less and barely smoking (yes, I fell off the wagon a bit - don't judge. I'm doing much better than the last time I quit smoking and then quickly unquit), riding my bike into work more and going to be earlier.  Huh, funny how all those things combined actually make you feel better. Here I thought none of those things could really affect my mood.

So, I'm rewarding myself. After biking home I'm going to watch the rest of Die Hard and then work on my divorce papers. The date is coming up in October so I've got to get everything ready. I'm doing this on my own with no lawyer, so it's a little bit intimidating. But I've worked in a law office before and the paperwork really isn't anything horribly difficult (by lawyer standards). So it can and will be done.

Then I shall reward myself with some wine.

It's suicide awareness week and maybe some of the encouraging posts I've read on Facebook have helped me resurface. Also my brother told me that 'Tomorrow will be better.' Well, it isn't always, but sometimes the next day is. Or the next. Or the week after.

Depression Lies

Completely-unrelated-side-note:
I want to find (or sew) a dress just like this for my friend's wedding next September:

Perhaps I could wear it with my fierce shoes.