I should have known I was going to fail this morning’s workout when I set my alarm for 5:45am at 1am this morning. 4 hours and 45 minutes of sleep(at most), what was I thinking? Usually, I’m pretty good at getting up in the morning and doing my workout(most weekdays I don’t have the time to work out in the evening, so it’s morning or nothing), but this last week has been a real problem. So, I hit the snooze until 7:45am, barely enough time for me to shower and get ready before I had to catch the train.

Whenever I miss a morning workout and I know I can’t make it up later in the day, I obsess over it. I can’t just let it go. I’m too scared I’ll keep missing workouts and I’ll be the person I used to be – calling myself a runner but only running once a week (or less).

Currently, I’m not as scared of becoming that person again. Very recently I had to choose between doing some errands or going out for my long run, and I had my first moment when I realized I didn’t want to miss my run. Not just because I would have to mark another ‘rest day’ on my training schedule, but because I really truly wanted to run and get out there for an hour or two. It was really exciting to finally feel this way.

However, my work/sleep/running schedule makes for a real bitch when I’m tired, because I don’t know what to fix. I read some articles on Runners World about sleeping, how greatly it effects your performance and ‘how to sleep,’ things that I need to do to sleep more efficiently, but those articles were clearly not written for someone with my schedule. I have too many questions: Am I overtraining or just not getting enough sleep? Am I getting enough sleep or am I mentally exhausted from my jobs? Do I have the stamina to work 70 hours a week and train for marathons as well as take care of my family?

That last question always gets me. I always wonder if I’m strong enough for the goals I set for myself. And how far and how hard am I going to push myself before I can actually accept that I’m truly working hard enough? When I’m running 70 mile weeks and pushing a 7min/mi? Do I have to get sick and be unable to train or work for a few days before I realize my body is at it’s breaking point? Or worse, do I have to get injured before I can award myself with the ‘Liz is hardcore’ metal?

Is that what I need? To push my body to it’s breaking point? I know a few people who take training to their own insane level. If they don’t puke during a tempo run, they haven’t worked hard enough. If they don’t collapse and sleep for a few hours after their long runs, they didn’t go far enough. Their training is measured by how much it takes out of them.

That’s what I want. I want to leave no room for speculation, no room for doubt or questions. I want to know for sure where my ‘danger-do not cross’ line is. After that, I can back off. But I want to know my limits.

I've been considering going to see a sports nutritionist. Not because I don't know how much water I should be drinking per day, or how many grams of carbs and protein I need, because I already know a TON about nutrition. So does Sean.

But I'm a terrible judge of my own character. This has been a problem that has plagued me since I started running 3 years ago. I never feel like I'm challenging myself enough. So I run. Hard. But eventually, as we all know, if you don't take the rest days at least once and awhile, you get burnt out. And then I justify that since I work 70-80 hours/week, I'm entitled to take it slow in my training and work up to whatever my goal is. But then I feel unfulfilled. I feel lazy and weak. I picture myself being compared to a single parent who works even more than I do and can run a 2:50:00 marathon(I don't have any examples of this person, but I know he or she is out there). And then I add more miles to my training plan and don't take a day off for 2 weeks.

Rinse and repeat.

And in comes a new problem: my weight. Not out of vanity or anything, but it's a proven fact that you run faster when you have less weight to carry. And duh, I want to run fast. (I italicized the word 'fast' so you'd really understand how zippy I want to be) I want to qualify for Boston by 2010. I then want to move up to ultra marathons and complete the Spartathlon before I'm 30. After that? Who knows! I'm like a little kid. I dream big.

While I've somewhat been able to control my inner demon about training, my inner food demon is a lot more difficult to control. See, he's been there for awhile. He knows me too well. And he knows I know, so he's thinking 3 steps ahead of me. Kind of like a ninja. Or a Special Ops Delta force member.

So, I wanted to see a nutritionist so I could healthily lose weight, find out where the pitfalls in my diet are, and anything else that I might just need to fine tune.

But I've talked to a few people about this; a cyclist and runner, a sports therapy student, and a few friends who have had the same issues with food that I've had in the past, and I really can't get a straight answer. It seems like no one really cares about nutritionists one way or another. Everyone has given me a shrug of their shoulders and said, 'If you think it will help, go for it.'

This is another problem with another inner demon of mine. I don't trust myself too often. This isn't to say that I'm not stubborn beyond believe when I feel a certain way about something, but when it comes to something new I always need a ton of opinions about everything. I think this is why I was considering becoming a lawyer for awhile. You can't defend someone because you think they're innocent(or guilty). Nothing like that holds up. You need facts, expert opinions, documents and evidence. It takes me awhile to start up something new because I have to do my research on it. I have to decided if it's worth my time and investment. I don't go into projects blind and not having a set path. If I ever do anything sporadic, it's because I don't have something that I've already planned out, or the reward/consequence of doing said sporadic thing won't affect me one way or another. Heck, I usually can't even buy a CD without wondering if I could use that $12.95 in some better way.

So with everyone's opinion being totally unhelpful, I think I've decided to not see a sports nutritionist for now. What I'm going to do is keep a food journal, keep track of everything I eat (I've done this before, but actually seeing the calories written down kind of freaked me out), then sit down with Sean and have him help me with my problem spots and see where I can improve.

Also, I am capable of making an executive decision on some levels.

I will not be eating Chinese food again. It does not make Lizzy a happy panda. In fact, it makes her rather smelly the next day.