So, it's been a few weeks; I'm still sucking at sparring and it rattles me every time. I've had one good sparring session after I got 'hit,' but every other one has been challenging. And it's not all in my head either. My sparring partners have told me after that I was hesitant, flinching, or even closing my eyes. Honestly, I don't know what is wrong with me. I'm not exactly afraid of getting hit, but when I see punches coming at me, I sort of freeze and can't react. I'm also told this is a natural reaction to violence, and since I've never been in a fight before (who, me?), I haven't conditioned myself to automatically defend myself, let alone obliterate my opponent.

Sensei Marcello told Sean once that women aren't naturally violent as men are, and it can be more difficult for women to get over the fear of being in a physical confrontation. I'm not sure how much I agree with this statement, because that means I'll probably have a long road to go before I won't get rattled every sparring session.

That one time I sparred and did well was the class after I got hit. I simply focused on defending myself, my footwork, and keeping my chin down. Other than that, I think it was luck that I did so well. There's been a few days since then when I've wondered if I'm really cut out for Muay Thai. If I'm not happy with my preformance then I'm not doing good enough. I want so badly to be good at this, but I want it all at once. I made a list last time about things I need to work on, and while it was a good idea, I didn't follow through. I didn't think about what I wanted to achieve before each Muay Thai class. I didn't have a goal, so there wasn't going to be any way in hell I could have satisfied myself with my performance, even if it was my best yet.

Sean suggested making a playlist that I only listen to when I'm on my way to class, just to get myself in the mindset that I'm about to go fight and to leave everything else outside. And to review my list of goals before each class, and just focus on that. Work on those things for a week, then reevaluate. If I'm comfortable with, let's say, keeping my chin down, and I'm doing it without thinking about it, then I can move on to the next goal. If I'm still struggling with it, I'll take another week.

Repeat this process until I'm better than Gina Carano.

This week:
Keeping my chin down, and my footwork--move around more, step in and out, don't just stand there and get beat up.

I've said it once and I'll say it again:

Getting hit in the face sucks.

But, as I've said so many times whenever I get struck in Muay Thai, it's my own damn fault.

Last night I was sparring with a new guy. A big guy. At least a foot taller than me and maybe 200 pounds. He had a pinched nerve or something so we decided to just box, no kicking. At first I thought this was great, I could just work on my punches, but I quickly realized this guy had a significant reach on me. At first I was doing alright, countering his punches or dodging them, but I kept eating punches because I didn't keep my chin down, and I was going to have to figure out a way to get close to him without getting hit over and over. Normally, I'd just kick him and work my way in since I have long legs, but that was out. Finally, I figured I'd just have to go balls to the wall and take the punches, and then keep moving in and get a good combo or two. This was probably not a good idea. I brought an extra level of aggression to the table which I shouldn't have done.

So I went after this guy, and I wasn't thinking, and didn't put my chin down and left myself open. I can only blame myself for the straight punch he threw. He had gloves on, but that really didn't prevent me from seeing stars. I've been hit in the face before, but not like this. I couldn't see. I backed off from fighting and held onto the cage for a minute or two. I was fine, I just felt like such a weakling. I was pissed off because Sensei has been telling me for weeks that I need to keep my chin down when fighting, and although I was aware of it, I wasn't really thinking about it, just like I wasn't thinking of staying on my toes so I could have moved out of the way.

I was thinking, "How do I get in there and land a good strike?" I tend to think on the offensive, but act defensively. During sparring, I wait for punches and try to counter and land a combo. I hate my hesitation, because I don't want to be afraid to fight, and I think I am a little bit at this point. The best I can usually do is try to execute a combo we learned in class that day. Things go so fast during sparing and I think too much.

I got back to sparing after taking a minute, but I was totally gunshy the rest of class. I might as well have just been standing there with my hands down. At one point, I just froze and got hit in the face (lightly) by another student, and he asked me what was wrong. I was pissed, and shaking I was so upset at myself. I was relieved when we stopped sparring and I could just leave. I wasn't fighting smart anymore.

I know what I need to work on, but it's not coming together fast enough. And now I'm taking Jiu Jitsu, so I have a whole new sport to focus on and dive right into. I have to use my time more wisely and work on my weaknesses one by one. I can't just rely on classes 3 times a week and and expect things to fall into place.

Weaknesses
Keeping my chin down
Staying on my toes and moving around
Judging distance for kicks and punches
Dropping hands when being kicked or punched in the gut
Forgetting combo attacks
Going too hard in sparring sessions and running out of gas, and making stupid mistakes
(not) Breathing out through the mouth and in through the nose

First thing is keeping my chin down. I'm spending this week focusing on that. Sean bought me a small tennis ball to put between my chin when I'm practicing. I know I'm going to be chasing that little ball all around the gym. Good thing no one brings their dog to practice.

Things have sucked lately. So, instead of obsessing and over-thinking everything, I decided to throw myself into hardcore training for Muay Thai. Monday-Friday mornings I have conditioning and running, then Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday I have 3-4 hours straight of Muay Thai and Jiu Jitsu. I'm hoping this schedule will chisle me into a technical and strong fighter, and leave me too damn tired to think about anything else but work. Mornings have been hard because it's dark outside at 6am when I wake up, and it's going to start snowing soon. I'll be fine on the mornings I have to run, but on conditioning days (jump rope, pylometrics, sprinting), I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I don't have a gym to go to anymore, and I have to be realistic. I'm not going to shovel out a section on my driveway to jump rope or risk slipping on some ice trying to sprint up the hill by my house. I'm going to have to find something else to do.

The main thing I have to focus on is developing my fast-twitch muscle fibers. Years of distance running and endurance sports has made my slow twitch fibers tough as hell. But when I spar with someone, I can't finish a 3 minute round without getting winded.

This crazy schedule has really been amazing though. I'm digging out my clothes from the back of my closet that I haven't worn in 3 years, and anything physical I have to do at the restaurant has been a piece of cake (running up 2 flights of stairs every 10 minutes used to really kill me).

The only unfortunate thing about this schedule is I've really slacked on the running. I can only run 3 days a week. Awhile back I read about the FIRST Training Program on Runners World, and I figured with my schedule i was the only way I could accomplish a half marathon with any kind of planning. Sure, I could probably just run and run and run some more, then run a lot on race day (for a half marathon anyway, I wouldn't be so cocky about a full), but that's pretty half assed. And I like having a plan for running. It's stable and structured and goal oriented. It's a balance to Muay Thai. And my goals have switched anyway. The New Orleans Half Marathon is now more of a reason for me to go see my friend and not for me to PR or qualify for Boston.

Hopefully Muay Thai, running, Houghton and P.F. Chang's will keep me busy enough. If that fails, I'm sure I could pick up another hobby.

Running is going to take a back seat for awhile. I've been training in Muay Thai for a few months now, and the more I train, the more I love it. I'm trying to find ways to fit more classes into my schedule, and next month I'm planning on picking up Brazilian Jiu Jitsu as well. Right now, I'm only going 3 times a week for an hour or two, sometimes staying late or getting to class early. However, next week I can start taking women's classes in addition to the regular Muay Thai classes. It'll completely eat up any free time I thought I had, but I'm actually ok with it. Not just ok, I'm beyond excited to be doing this. Actually, I feel blessed that I have as much time as I can to be doing this, and to be working someone so accomplished as Marcelo Siqueira, the owner and head instructor of the school.

This is a totally new area for me to be exploring. No one in my family is athletic, much less a fighter. At first, I was just planning on taking Muay Thai to get in shape (I'm already down to 135 - lighter than I've been since college), but after a few months of classes, I really want more from it.

This could, in part, be because it seems as though Marcelo has taken an interest in me. He's pushing me to start BJJ, and when he's teaching the class, if there's an odd man out, he'll work on technique with me. I haven't seen him do this with anyone else, unless that person is a beginner. At first I was confused, I thought that he was only working with me because I sucked so bad. But Sean does BJJ at the same school, and has been there for about a year now, and he knows Marcelo better than I do. He told me three things:

-Unlike other instructors who don't give up on any student, Marcelo only specifically works with students who he feels has potential. He doesn't have a lot of pity.
-Marcelo doesn't push everyone to come to more classes or to take on an extra sport. He's always telling me I should come to more classes and to start taking BJJ.
-My technique isn't amazing. I am not wonder girl, one of those people who steps into the sport and picks up everything perfectly and swiftly. But, that doesn't matter, because what I have is game and heart. You can teach technique, you can teach style, but you can't teach heart.

Of course this made my head swell up to the size of a watermelon. Does Marcelo really think I have potential? I've never, by any means, been considered an athlete, but then again, I've never had the drive to do anything like I have for Muay Thai, not even running a marathon. Running a marthon was about proving something to myself, but with Muay Thai, I want to fight. If I was just doing this to prove something to myself, I could be proud that I'm really the only girl in that school who takes Muay Thai and fights with the guys. Or that after a few months or years, I could be confident knowing that I could defend myself if something ever happened to me. But I want to get in the cage and show that my hard work and focus has paid off. It's not just beating someone up or winning a match. It's about getting in there and showing your game.

And, unlike running, when I felt like I was 'tough enough' to cut corners, cut workouts, sneak a cigarette in here or there - I know I can't do that with Muay Thai. I don't want to sacrifice the opportunity I have here.

So my schedule is going to be insane. When I'm not working, I'll be at the gym.

**I had to take note, because although at times I feel like I'm on the top of the world, I have bad days at the gym, usually after sparing(and usually only if I feel like I've run out of steam). I included the link below to remind myself that I'm not the only one who feels that way, and to remember to leave all my personal shit outside the gym. Self doubt, anxieties, fear, and exhaustion - all that gets left outside the ring.**
http://www.fightergirls.net/phpBB/viewtopic.php?t=3548

Almost a year ago, my good friend Jeff moved down to New Orleans. It was a real smart move on his part, he had lived in Western New York (or Syracuse) his whole life, and he has the talent and drive to make it anywhere; I thought it would be great for him to get some new experiences and just live somewhere different for awhile. As is the phenomenon of Buffalo, I've found that if you've grown up in the WNY area, and you don't go somewhere else for college (I'm talking 3+ hour drive away, so not necessarily terribly far), you usually don't ever get out. Buffalo isn't a bad town, but I think everyone who has grown up there needs to live somewhere else for awhile. If, for nothing else, to get away from the snow.

::side note: I love snow, I am not bashing snow here::

Anyway, so Jeff and his lovely girlfriend are living in New Orleans now. And I want to go visit him. Luckily, so does another friend of ours, Joey. Joey has recently picked up running as a hobby and is actually running a half marathon this weekend. I'm so proud of him. He asked me for running advice when he first started out.

The past couple of times I've actually had a vacation, I've only been able to justify the trip with a marathon. I don't take vacations ever, and I almost feel guilty if I take the time off of work and I go somewhere and I don't race. Sounds crazy, but that's how I roll. And I haven't trained for a marathon in over a year, and I actually miss it. I miss getting up early on a saturday morning to hash out 12 or 16 miles.

New Orleans' marathon is Feburary 28th. I figured that would be a perfect time to take a vacation, see Jeff, and run a marathon with Joey. It's like killing 3 birds with one stone. That gives me about 6 months to train for the marathon(or half marathon if I want to be realistic-but who wants that?). This would be a big thing for me, since I've never run a marathon with a friend before. I've had friends meet me out on the course and run a bit with me, or just give me a bottle of water, but never the whole way through.

Hell, as long as we're not being realistic, why don't I shoot to qualify for Boston?

Why not indeed.

My sister gave me a book, The Temperament God Gave You, and although I never, ever read, I decided to give it a try. This isn't a post about Spirituality, or even about reading, it's about understanding my own temperament.

The book lays out 4 specific temperaments, traits that you're born with that determine the type of person you are. Not exactly personality traits, but an explanation of what makes you tick. Wikipedia does a mediocre job of explaining the temperaments, but it's better than nothing if you have no clue what I'm talking about. I'd suggest reading the book. It's not all about Christianity and Spirituality either.

It was pretty fun to read about the different temperaments and figuring out which one I was. One stood out plain as day: I am Phlegmatic. Basically, that means I'm a calm, laid back person who appreciates harmony and peace. And not the hippie-like 'Why can't we all just get along?' crap. Really, I'm a peacemaker. I always have been since I was a little kid. I can empathize with others and I'm very loyal, but I don't wear my heart on my sleeve and I'm usually pretty quiet and passive. However, I also have a tendency to be downright lazy, I shrink away from conflict and I can be very resistant to change, especially if it forces me to change a schedule that I've meticulously set up for myself.

I also tend to gravitate to doing what other people want to do and not realize that I might not be doing what I want to do, because I want to make other people happy and that's what makes me happy. Does that make sense? It made sense to me. In all of my past relationships, I've picked up tons of hobbies that I did because my boyfriend wanted to do it with me. Most things I enjoyed well enough, but when the relationship ended, so did that activity. My main reminder of this is the samurai sword I have hidden away in my closet.

One thing really struck me about the characteristics of a Phlegmatic. They are difficult to motivate and have a tendency to be lazy (in a physical sense). Also, they need a lot of positive encouragement (more so than other temperaments), and tend to withdraw when nagged, criticized, or sometimes, even when challenged.

Instantly, I thought about running. I have always had difficulty getting out there and running, motivating myself, and I always wondered why this was so difficult for me to do if I really enjoyed doing it? Also, no one 'got' me into running. It's one of the only things that I chose to do on my own, without any prodding from anyone. It's something I've held onto for a long time because I realized the importance of that. However, should something I enjoy be a constant challenge for me? And I'm not talking about challenges like completing a 50 miler, or running a 6 minute mile. I'm talking about waking up every morning and going out there and just doing it. After reading and understanding a little more about my temperament, I think I'm starting to understand that yes, running will always be a challenge. It will always be tough for me to go against my natural tendencies and preferences and get out there and be active, to constantly push myself even though I don't like being pushed-it tends to make me regress into a passive state. Perhaps, after knowing that I'm motivated by what other people want to do and in my need to make other people happy, I should join a running club, or do a relay marathon, something where I know people are counting on me to run and to keep up my part.

However, I do like how I've made running such an individual activity. I am a very independent person and especially with my insane schedule, I need as much free time as I can get. I need time away from other people and even away from my dog so I don't gravitate to my natural state of attaining order and making everyone happy. I know I need time to listen to myself and just do what I want to do. Unfortunately, motivating myself is much more than 'Just do it!'

I guess I haven't really figured out anything, maybe when I'm working less and have more free time I'll join a running club, since I think that will really encourage me to run since I'll be around other people who enjoy the same activity. But right now, I'll keep running personal. It's holding my nose above water and encouraging me to keep treading water until I can get enough strength to pull myself out of this situation.

Stuff's been happening lately. Big stuff. Stuff that makes me go back to smoking like a chimney. I was really proud of my healthy eating (I wasn't even drinking diet coke anymore!), and how much work I was doing, getting up early and going to Muay Thai.

Most of that has gone to shit for now. I know I'll get back to it, but right now, I have to sort some shit out.

Remember playing dodgeball in elementary school PE(gym) class? If you didn't, you either didn't grow up in this country, or I went to a way more WASP-y school than I thought. I was awesome at dodgeball. Most of the time, I was the last player standing after everyone else had been tagged out. If we were playing the 'prisioner' version of dodgeball, I was usually able to 'rescue' most of my team, because I played softball, and I could throw accurately. I loved playing dodgeball because I wasn't terribly awesome at any other sport - ever (yeah, I was pretty bad at softball too).

Though, despite all my aweseome feats, I dreaded the beginning of class when it came time to pick the teams. Since I wasn't popular in just about any group, I was picked last every time. You know, the last two people are a) the most unpopular girl in class, and b) the smelly/weird girl. Usually the smelly/weird girl got picked first. I'm sure everyone's been the last one picked at some point, and it sirs up a host of insecurities that you thought you got over in high school.

I call it the Dodgball eEffect.

I've been going to Muay Thai 3-4 times a week for a steady 2 months now, and you would have thought by now that most of the guys in the class wouldn't be scared to hit a girl. Yet whenever our sensei, Marcelo, tells us to pair up, I know that if there's an odd number of students in the class, I'll be sparring against Marcelo for the first round. As soon as I look around me to non-verbally ask, 'You wanna pair up?' with anyone, their eyes dart away and search for someone else. This happens a few more times. The Dodgeball Effect. I hate it. I am left without a partner and Marcelo steps in to spar with me.

I guess I can't blame it all on the fact that I'm the only girl in class, it could be because I'm new. But I know most of the guys there at least by name by now. And I should be excited to spar with Marcelo, after all, it's practically like I'm getting a private lesson from him, but sparing with anyone who is a black belt or above is terrifying. Not because I'm afraid they're going to hit me (black belts have more control over their movements; and as I've discussed before, sparring is not code for being the crap out of someone), but because I feel like every second I'm being judged. I know I'm not, and I know no one expects me to do practically anything right because I'm a white belt. But since I am overly critical of myself and I always expect the worst, no rational argument has been able to keep me from thinking that all Marcelo is thinking is, 'This girl sucks.'

I know I'm getting better though, because everyone from Marcelo to the other instructors in class have told Sean (he does Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu there) that I'm doing well. And Sean doesn't ask them how I'm doing, so there'd be no reason for them to say that if it wasn't true. It sounds stupid, but I really do feel the need to be better than 'average.' And yes, mainly that's because I'm surrounded by boys. Even though I'm a total tomboy and I've always run with the boys, this feels different. This is competetive. Fun, yes, but competetive. I'm already thinking about how I might want to fight in a year or two. Though I'd be fighting only against other girls, they also would be as tough as the boys, and that's what i want.

Toughness. It's not enough for me to be 'tough for a girl,' just tough.

Sidenote: I weighed myself in the morning and right before I went to bed last night(yeah, i know i shouldn't weigh myself so much, but i just couldn't help it), and I actually weighed less in the evening than I did in the morning! Thank you Muay Thai practice and 5 mile run!

It helps a lot to have a dog who can adapt to a new routine like clockwork within a week.

For the past few days I've been getting better at getting up at 5:30 and going for a short run. Most days, I took the dog with me, to kill two birds with one stone. I still don't really like taking Snow out on my runs. Picture yourself getting out of bed and lazily putting on your running clothes and shoes. You're just about out the door when your 8 year old starts crying and begging you to take him with you on your run. You agree begrudgingly (pretend you're a really slow runner and you're not going far at all). You and your kid start running, and all goes well for about a half mile. Then the kid gets bored with running. It stops to look at something, darts in front of you making you lose your stride, at one point the kid just starts sprinting towards a busy road and you have to run after it to stop your silly child from being flattened (or pretend you've put the kid on a leash, you still get pulled every which way by their movements). This continues for the next mile or so. After that, your kid gets tired, they fall behind, they use any excuse at all to slow down or stop completely. You tell yourself that you'll never take your kid on another one of your runs. The next morning, the kid comes into your room, 20 minutes before your alarm goes off, jumps on your bed and starts whining about why you haven't gotten up and taken him to run yet.

I have no idea why I had to use a kid in the above scenario. I could have just told you about what my dog does and it would have made perfect sense. I've been told that I compare children to dogs a lot. Before you get huffy, think about it. They really do share a lot of the same qualities.

I guess it's not as bad as it sounds, because he gets a little better with every run, but it's tough right now. Hopefully one day he'll be a dog I'll barely notice during my runs, and maybe one day after that I'll really look forward to running with him.

However, he adapts to one thing quite well. For the past few mornings, if I'm not already out of bed and on my way out by 5:50, he whines and cries and begs me to get out of bed. I don't know if he wants to go for a run or he just has to pee, but either way, it gets me up when the snooze button is so tempting to keep hitting (even though Sean hates it when I do that).

And getting up in the morning is actually easier than I thought. I've been feeling better and happier in general, and I wouldn't say I have more energy throughout the day, but it's not as much of a struggle as it was only a few weeks ago. I'll bet there's a lot of other circumstances that have helped attribute to my change of mood, but hey, I'll take what I can get.

Two nights ago, I actually couldn't sleep. Normally I could fall asleep standing up on a crowded train with a screaming child next to me. I can't remember the last time I couldn't sleep.

But my husband Sean had just returned from a trip to Buffalo to see my sister, her new husband, and all of my friends. Why couldn't I go? Because I had to work and had already taken off too much time last month because of all the weddings my family had (I swear, I'm not complaining...). My job doesn't offer vacation time, and if I had driven home with him, I couldn't have worked at the restaurant on Friday and Saturday night, so I would have missed out on making $250. That would have been a double whammy.

My sister and her husband were talking with Sean about having kids, and how they want to wait for a little while. But they're Catholic, and not allowed to use birth control, so I'm giving it about a year before I have a nephew or niece. We all know how well the rhythm method works.

On Saturday night, after I had worked a 9 hour shift, and Sean came home, he and I were cuddling and he asked if I was still sure that I didn't want to have kids. Sean and I have always agreed that we didn't want to have kids, or at least that it wasn't terribly likely. He said he just wanted to keep the idea on the horizon and though he didn't want to have kids now, he maybe wanted to in the future. After about 10 minutes, he and the dog were fast asleep and I was wide awake and feeling constricted both physically and mentally, so I went downstairs to listen to Counting Crows and explore the mysteries of Wikipedia until 5am. I hate and love Wikipedia. It can be so inaccurate, but the level of entertainment is astounding. I went from reading about rock lyrics to Greek Mythology to tentacle erotica(ick) in about 10 minutes.

I've had the 'I don't want babies - ever' conversation about ten thousand times, and 99% of the time it's the same reaction: 'Oh, you won't feel that way forever.' Actually, whenever I say something to the effect of 'I don't want kids,' my old co-worker would reply in a giddy tone, 'Yeah, my wife said that too.' He has a 3 year old kid who actually is cute.

But think about it for a minute, why would you ask if I want kids? Right now, I'm a very angry and bitter person. For the past 3 years I've had to work over 80 hours a week to make ends meet. I see a friend or two maybe once a month and talk to my family about that much. My co-workers don't bother asking me what I did over the weekend on Monday mornings anymore. I'm jealous that most people don't have to be anywhere after they clock out at 5pm. Most of my free time is spent working out, and then feeling angry that I don't have time to do anything else. When I am home, I have a husband who I need time with, I have chores to do, and a dog who is constantly whining for attention.

"Well, yeah not now obviously, but what about in a few years when you're not working as much?"
When you've been keeping up this routine for 3 years, does it seem possible to imagine life differently? I can't see past how I'm living right now. I have dreams that I only work 50 hours a week. I dream that I get up, go to work at 8, get out at 5, from Monday through Friday. Those are my dreams. When I relax and go to my 'happy place,' I don't think about being on a sandy beach with a mai thai in my hand, I think about going home after work. About having a whole day off without an agenda or a single thing I have to do. Asking me if in a few years I'd like to have a kid when I'm ::snort:: 'not as busy' is like asking you how you'd like living on the moon, when the technology becomes avaliable.

There's enough shitty parents out there who raise some pretty shitty children. At least I know enough that an overworked bitch probably shouldn't have a child just because she has a vagina.

So the month of weddings is over and to be honest, I'm really excited to get back to my normal busy schedule of work, work, and more work. I also can go back to Muay Thai. I missed just about the whole month of training, and I was almost too embarrassed to go back. Practically every thing I had learned I had forgotten, and I was terribly out of shape. Although I hadn't backslid at all. I haven't had a drink since May 5th, and besides one slip up, I haven't had a cigarette either. I couldn't say if I've quit for good, but I'm taking it one day at a time.

But Muay Thai(MT) is a lot of fun, and I actually feel like I'm getting a workout, which hasn't happened on any of my runs in the past year or so. Yeah, I know that's my own fault for not sticking to my schedule and yadda yadda yadda. I'm so full of excuses (A.K.A. shit) sometimes, and I'm really trying hard to not let those 'excuses' get me down. Like I said, one day at a time.

Here's how MT goes down: We run to warm up, we jump rope, do crunches (depending on which instructor it is we might do anywhere from 50 to 'Keep going until I tell you to stop.'), then it's technique for an hour. Our instructor focuses on one combo, starting easy, then working in different variations to make it a bit more complicated. I'm still floundering in the class because essentially I've just gone to a handful of classes. So, while my instructors say I'm improving, I'm pretty sure I look really stupid. Plus, I bruise easily and my skin is ghastly pale, bruises practically show up as soon as I'm hit because I don't have any Vitamin D in my body or something. I think my doctor thinks I'm a vampire. I can't wear skirts this summer because I'm afraid people will think Sean beats me. He doesn't by the way, I just can't block kicks for the life of me.

Tonight, like every other night of MT, we ended up sparing. We switch partners 2 or 3 times and I usually end up being paired with someone more experienced. But not so experienced that they are totally bored by me trying to throw a poorly placed jab low kick combo. But these guys are usually extremely helpful because I'm so new, bless their hearts. And when they hit me, they stop right before point of impact, or the impact is so light I practically don't feel it. And I appreciate that, not because I don't want to get hit hard, but because hitting me during a sparing session is pretty pointless. Not only would I not learn anything by getting hit hard, but blue belts don't beat on white belts. It's just polite.

But, there's another white belt who started just about the same time as I did. Like me, he doesn't have martial arts training, but I'm pretty sure he played football or something, because he's pretty muscular. A lot of times, we'll end up being partners for the technique part of class, since we're on the same skill level. But tonight I ended up sparing with him. I got a sinking feeling when I realized we were going to have to fight. Remember, I'm a white belt, he's a white belt. NO BEATING ON EACH OTHER. I don't think he gets that.

Don't get me wrong, he's not totally laying into me, and I can take a hit, and I should know to block better, or get out of the way, or see his kick coming and counter, but tonight he pissed me off to a level that I couldn't describe. I thought I was going to dig right through my mouth guard, I was clenching my teeth so hard. But every time I stepped in to throw a punch, he lifted his knee and hit me with a front kick, not so easily mind you. I'd stagger back and try to regroup, and I have to hand it to him, he wasn't really doing anything wrong, he'd hit me with some combos of things I didn't know how to block or counter, my only real option was to just step away, out of range. But, I can tell, this early in, that's NOT going to be my fighting style. I'd rather move to the side, or block and counter, maybe take a step back quickly before going back in, but I don't back up a few feet and then wait for my opponent to come after me. I'm way more aggressive than that. I have a feeling that I'll have to change my ways, but not now. Right now I'm all about throwing myself into the deep end and not being afraid to get hit in the face.

But it was all just embarrassing, getting caught with the same stupid front kick again and again. I was trying different combos, and all he was throwing were kicks. I wasn't so angry with him than with the fact that I was falling for it the every time. After about 2 minutes I was ready to just throw down the gloves and beat the shit out of him. I think that's when I started going after him a bit more aggressively, which made me stupid, and so I fell for even more of his boring front kicks. This kid actually had the nerve to make some comment about how I seemed kind of angry. Of course I'm angry you fucking asshole! Whenever I went in, he just backed up a few feet out of my range, and since I didn't feel like chasing him all over the fucking mat, I backed up so we could start this whole dance all over again. Did I mention that last week he hit me square in the face with a Superman punch? Now, I missed a few classes so maybe it was actually taught to him and he didn't just see it in a fight or in a movie, but really, why would you throw that out in a sparing session unless you were trying to just beat up on someone?

I'm really not trying to be a little girl about this whole thing, and I hate that I sucked so bad that I'm complaining about a few hard punches when I'm really just pissed at myself. I know I'll get better in time, and with more practice, but damn. Getting kicked in the sternum repeatedly sucks.

So I've finally found a balance between working, sleeping, running, and free time (arranged in order of importance). For a long time, I had totally unreal expectations for my running and workout schedule, and when I inevitably slept in and skipped my workout morning after morning, I beat myself up about it and wouldn't allow myself to enjoy the little free time I had, telling myself that I should spend that free time running or doing something active. I often say I have more guilt than an Irish-Catholic Jew, and let me tell you, that's a crushing amount of guilt. And for no good reason. Guilt, like anxiety, is a useless emotion that doesn't solve anything or do anything or anyone any good.

Fortunately, I finally allowed myself a little break. I acknowledged that I simply did not have the time or energy to run 40 minutes every morning and 2 hours on the weekends. Now, my run schedule is much more friendly to my work schedule, which means my free time more enjoyable, and though my sleep is still horribly irregular, 3 out of 4 isn't bad.

And since Sean and I aren't pinching pennies anymore, we've been starting to indulge a little bit in things that would have been impossible to do a year ago. I've always wanted to study a martial art. The fact that I have zero combative skills has always bothered me. Luckily, I've never been in a situation where I would need these skills, but it's important for everyone to know how to defend themselves properly and if necessary, defend others. And while those 'self defense for women' courses are definitely better than just ignorantly thinking you could take care of yourself if someone attacked you, they are still seriously lacking.

I did a lot of research and decided to join the martial arts school my husband goes to for BJJ (Brazilian Jiu Jitsu). Except I'm not a big fan of submissions and grappling, so I'm studying Muay Thai. Muay Thai appealed to me for a lot of reasons:

1) Toughness. Muay Thai is specifically designed to promote the level of fitness and toughness required for ring competition. The training and conditioning (running is an absolute necessaity) of fighters is generally referred to as 'intense' and 'scary.'
2) It works with my frame. People in Thailand are short and not usually very built, and so the fighting style is designed around people with that frame. Most women have the same type of frame, and they can adapt to the fighting style and make it work for them in the way it was designed.
3) It's going to kick my ass. I've never kicked my ass while I was running. I've run fast, got injured, and done what some people would think is abnormal and unnecessary, but I've never had my ass kicked. I've never had a coach to run me until I had nothing left, and I don't have the decipline to do that to myself (yet). But now I'll have a sensai who won't let me off the mat until I've finished those 50 push ups, or 30 minutes of shadow boxing. I've been told there's no way to train yourself for Muay Thai, even if you've done martial arts in the past. And I am a total glutton for punishment.

And the school my husband and I go to is good. My sensei isn't going to throw me into a sparring match with a huge guy who has been studying Muay Thai for years and will turn my clumsy body into a wad of cookie dough. It's a good group of guys (and one or two girls), who help and look out for each other and help everyone advance. They're deciplined and serious about learning.

Saturday morning is my first class, and I'm truly excited.

Sean got a job.


He is working at a pharmaceutical company managing the front desk and helping out on projects when necessary. He's even done a little bit of layout work after he taught himself indesign. He's picking up on design basics pretty quickly actually.

So, Sean has a job and I have a job. Well, two jobs. But I love that if I want to take a night off, I don't have to worry that I might not make rent. I don't have to tell friends that I haven't seen in a month that if we get together it has to be at PF Chang's because I get my 50% employee discount and I can't afford anywhere else. I can start signing up for races again, now that the $15 race fee won't break my bank.

I'm still waiting on my final paycheck from Baseline (which honestly I don't know if I'll ever get). But if I do get it I'm totally going out and getting something really nice for myself and not feel guilty about it.

I forgot to talk about the Boston Marathon in my last post.
The I-didn't-run-it-race report:

I decided to volunteer for the Boston marathon this year, and I was placed with the 'baggage crew' at the start in Hopkington. Most organized marathons have a baggage drop off for the runners at the start point, then pick up when they finish. I'd say at least half the runners use this service, so there are a lot of bags to bus from Hopkington to Boston. There were about 30 school busses, organized by race bib number, and 5 of us got assigned to a bus. We stayed on the bus as the runners found the bus that matched their bib number, then gave us their bags and we placed them accordingly on the bus. The windows wouldn't open enough for even a small bag to fit through (silly child safety windows), so we utilized the 2 emergency exit windows. As soon as I swung open the window I had the urge to scream 'NOBODY SEES THE WIZARD!' because I knew that if the bus was green I would look so much like the Emerald city gatekeeper from the Wizard of Oz.

I was lucky enough to be put on the bus that collected numbers 1000 to 1499. These runners are practically elite. They qualified (easily) for Boston and were assigned in the 1st corral since they all estimated their finishing time to be around 2 hours and 30 minutes. I didn't realize this until about halfway through when I noticed everyone who was coming to our bus were really gangly and muscular and had a very 'hungry' look in their eyes. And all of them were guys. Except there was one girl. I have no idea who she was, but she gets some SERIOUS PROPS and she is my new hero.

After we finished collecting bags and all the marathon had started, our busses made the way back to boston. All 30 busses had a police escort, exits were blocked off for our use only, I had attained VIP status. Even though I knew the plastic bag with someone's sweatpants were the ACTUAL reason for all this special treatment.

After we got off the bus, it was about 2 hours after the elite women had started running, and they would be finishing in about a half hour, so I found a place on Boylston street to watch the elite runners finish before I started my shift. I won't bore you with results, because anyone who cares already knows what happened. Side note: Kara Goucher has got to be the hottest runner ever.

I started my shift at PF Chang's at 1pm, and I can't verbalize how excited I was that I didn't have to deal with any customers since I was bartending the service well. I HATE waitressing marathon weekend. For 2 reasons:

1) Marathoners are snobs. They think running 26.2 miles is something so spectacular that everyone should be in awe. And they all wear their technical t-shirts or the overpriced shirts they bought at the expo of another marathon. Every single one of them looked like a fucking tool. Or even worse, they wear the 2009 Boston marathon jackets before marathon monday. Bad form. They were breaking Race Commandment No.1: Thou Shalt Not Wear the Merchandise from a Race that Thou Hast Not Finished Yet. Plus, those jackets are UGLY. In addition, most of them are from out of town and Boston is pretty expensive. So no one tips well. Even if you tell them to have a great race. They don't care. So forgive me if I judge you because you're wearing a $120 race jacket, $50 shorts and $250 special edition adidas shoes and you order a $40 meal and then tip me $5. Un-fucking-acceptable.

2) I am a snob. And I'm jealous. I haven't qualified for Boston (to be fair, I've only seriously tried once). It's like all these runners are shoving my nose in it. Not to mention they actually have the time and money to train and to send themselves on a little vacation. I'm still in serious debt and work 80 hours a week just to stay afloat. Assholes.

So I was thrilled to not have to deal with any of the stupid marathoners who were celebrating their 'victory.' Honestly, anyone could run a marathon if they wanted to. I wholeheartedly believe that. The only marathon you should celebrate after is if you completed Pikes Peak.

The rest of the evening passed as ordinary as expected. But it was a long day and I was SO glad to be unemployed so I could sleep in the next morning.

I decided my plan for when I qualify for Boston.

Day before: I will attend the expo and oogle at everything. While wearing 4" heels, a short skirt, and a long jacket. While every other runner will look like a total tool 'Look at the marathon I ran before I ran Boston - aren't I awesome?' I will be the girl everyone is wondering if she actually is running and why the hell would she chance turning her ankle in high heels the day before the marathon? I'll tell you why, because no one else will be.

Day of: I'll run the marathon, go home and take a quick shower before heading off to work to waitress the rest of the night. I'd have to keep walking the rest of the day to prevent stiffness the next day anyway. I'll wear my metal around my neck. Then, when any snobby marathoners sit in my section, they'll know as soon as I come up to their table that I am way more hardcore than they are.

Plus, I'll get a ton of sympathy tips.

Since no one reads this blog, I'm sure I wasn't missed. But it was a rough couple of months.

The job(s)
So my contract at Baseline Development Group (BDG) ended on April 7. I knew it was coming, but contract work still sucks. Specifically because I'm trying to sell myself as a designer, yet I don't have a strong design portfolio or even an online portfolio. I've recently accepted that I just am going to have to settle for being a production monkey for awhile. I'm actually kind of ok with that. Production people are way more intelligent and, unlike most designers, aren't hung up on how awesome they think they are.

So I took a few days off before beginning my job hunt, hung out with some friends I haven't seen in forever and picked up more shifts at P F Chang's so Sean and I would still have money for food. Having all this extra time should have meant my running benefited, but that would be a lie. Sleep benefited. Sleep benefited a lot actually.

Right after I landed my next job at Houghton Mifflin (8 month contract - SCORE!), I found out that BDG folded. What happened the last few weeks at BDG deserves its own post, but I'm just going to say that shit went down. And badly. Most people are shocked when I tell the story of BDG's final week. Personally, I'm not sure how I feel about BDG closing its doors. Well, that's a lie. I'm upset. BDG is where I got my first real co-op job at Northeastern, and though I was never there as an 'employee,' I kind of was. I had my spot in production, almost everyone who had been there for more than a month knew who I was, not to say that I was totally popular or everyone's favorite, but people knew I was a solid investment. Not to mention I met most of my current friends there as well as my Captain.

The invitations
My sister is getting married in June. YAY! But, that also meant I was unacceptably late in sending off her invitations. I had to get it done by April 30th. I already had the design, the wording, and knew exactly what I needed to do. I just had to gather the materials and assemble it. Thankfully, Mom was addressing the invitations.

I had ZERO clue how long it was going to take for me to do these invitations. I basically ignored Sean for a week, sat down in front of the TV and my huge coffee table and printed, cut, punched, tied, stacked, and sealed 171 stupid invitations. It took every second of my free time to get it done by the deadline. The only thing that got me through it was the Resident Evil movies. Seriously. I must have watched each of those movies 4 times. Now I'm completely sick of them and couldn't sit down and watched it if you forced me to, but at the time that's all I wanted to watch.

So to sum up: ignoring your husband + evil zombies = beautiful invitations.

The training
It didn't happen. I gained all the weight back I had lost in my last few weeks at BDG when I was really eating healthy and running and doing pilates all the time, which I totally meant to write a post about, but I got too busy.

I think this post shall be a 2-part-er. For now, I'm off to Cottonwood Cafe to have a farewell party for BDG.

I should have known I was going to fail this morning’s workout when I set my alarm for 5:45am at 1am this morning. 4 hours and 45 minutes of sleep(at most), what was I thinking? Usually, I’m pretty good at getting up in the morning and doing my workout(most weekdays I don’t have the time to work out in the evening, so it’s morning or nothing), but this last week has been a real problem. So, I hit the snooze until 7:45am, barely enough time for me to shower and get ready before I had to catch the train.

Whenever I miss a morning workout and I know I can’t make it up later in the day, I obsess over it. I can’t just let it go. I’m too scared I’ll keep missing workouts and I’ll be the person I used to be – calling myself a runner but only running once a week (or less).

Currently, I’m not as scared of becoming that person again. Very recently I had to choose between doing some errands or going out for my long run, and I had my first moment when I realized I didn’t want to miss my run. Not just because I would have to mark another ‘rest day’ on my training schedule, but because I really truly wanted to run and get out there for an hour or two. It was really exciting to finally feel this way.

However, my work/sleep/running schedule makes for a real bitch when I’m tired, because I don’t know what to fix. I read some articles on Runners World about sleeping, how greatly it effects your performance and ‘how to sleep,’ things that I need to do to sleep more efficiently, but those articles were clearly not written for someone with my schedule. I have too many questions: Am I overtraining or just not getting enough sleep? Am I getting enough sleep or am I mentally exhausted from my jobs? Do I have the stamina to work 70 hours a week and train for marathons as well as take care of my family?

That last question always gets me. I always wonder if I’m strong enough for the goals I set for myself. And how far and how hard am I going to push myself before I can actually accept that I’m truly working hard enough? When I’m running 70 mile weeks and pushing a 7min/mi? Do I have to get sick and be unable to train or work for a few days before I realize my body is at it’s breaking point? Or worse, do I have to get injured before I can award myself with the ‘Liz is hardcore’ metal?

Is that what I need? To push my body to it’s breaking point? I know a few people who take training to their own insane level. If they don’t puke during a tempo run, they haven’t worked hard enough. If they don’t collapse and sleep for a few hours after their long runs, they didn’t go far enough. Their training is measured by how much it takes out of them.

That’s what I want. I want to leave no room for speculation, no room for doubt or questions. I want to know for sure where my ‘danger-do not cross’ line is. After that, I can back off. But I want to know my limits.

I've been considering going to see a sports nutritionist. Not because I don't know how much water I should be drinking per day, or how many grams of carbs and protein I need, because I already know a TON about nutrition. So does Sean.

But I'm a terrible judge of my own character. This has been a problem that has plagued me since I started running 3 years ago. I never feel like I'm challenging myself enough. So I run. Hard. But eventually, as we all know, if you don't take the rest days at least once and awhile, you get burnt out. And then I justify that since I work 70-80 hours/week, I'm entitled to take it slow in my training and work up to whatever my goal is. But then I feel unfulfilled. I feel lazy and weak. I picture myself being compared to a single parent who works even more than I do and can run a 2:50:00 marathon(I don't have any examples of this person, but I know he or she is out there). And then I add more miles to my training plan and don't take a day off for 2 weeks.

Rinse and repeat.

And in comes a new problem: my weight. Not out of vanity or anything, but it's a proven fact that you run faster when you have less weight to carry. And duh, I want to run fast. (I italicized the word 'fast' so you'd really understand how zippy I want to be) I want to qualify for Boston by 2010. I then want to move up to ultra marathons and complete the Spartathlon before I'm 30. After that? Who knows! I'm like a little kid. I dream big.

While I've somewhat been able to control my inner demon about training, my inner food demon is a lot more difficult to control. See, he's been there for awhile. He knows me too well. And he knows I know, so he's thinking 3 steps ahead of me. Kind of like a ninja. Or a Special Ops Delta force member.

So, I wanted to see a nutritionist so I could healthily lose weight, find out where the pitfalls in my diet are, and anything else that I might just need to fine tune.

But I've talked to a few people about this; a cyclist and runner, a sports therapy student, and a few friends who have had the same issues with food that I've had in the past, and I really can't get a straight answer. It seems like no one really cares about nutritionists one way or another. Everyone has given me a shrug of their shoulders and said, 'If you think it will help, go for it.'

This is another problem with another inner demon of mine. I don't trust myself too often. This isn't to say that I'm not stubborn beyond believe when I feel a certain way about something, but when it comes to something new I always need a ton of opinions about everything. I think this is why I was considering becoming a lawyer for awhile. You can't defend someone because you think they're innocent(or guilty). Nothing like that holds up. You need facts, expert opinions, documents and evidence. It takes me awhile to start up something new because I have to do my research on it. I have to decided if it's worth my time and investment. I don't go into projects blind and not having a set path. If I ever do anything sporadic, it's because I don't have something that I've already planned out, or the reward/consequence of doing said sporadic thing won't affect me one way or another. Heck, I usually can't even buy a CD without wondering if I could use that $12.95 in some better way.

So with everyone's opinion being totally unhelpful, I think I've decided to not see a sports nutritionist for now. What I'm going to do is keep a food journal, keep track of everything I eat (I've done this before, but actually seeing the calories written down kind of freaked me out), then sit down with Sean and have him help me with my problem spots and see where I can improve.

Also, I am capable of making an executive decision on some levels.

I will not be eating Chinese food again. It does not make Lizzy a happy panda. In fact, it makes her rather smelly the next day.

When Sean and I first got our rescued 65 pound pit bull, he had a TON of energy. When we adopted him, we knew how energetic this breed was. We knew we'd have a lot of work ahead of us, and I planned on taking him on most of my outdoor runs. It seemed like a great way to kill two birds with one stone. Instead of taking a morning run and walking the dog, I'd just take my dog on my run.

Plus, I had heard such wonderful stories about people who loved running with their dog. Dogs they could take on trail runs, or just have them run alongside them without a leash. Runner's World magazine published story after story of people who could run with their dogs and how much it enhanced their running and brought the dog and master closer together. I blame Runner's World for giving me such high hopes.

I took him out on the first run, and he was a pain in the ass. He didn't seem to get the concept of running. He seemed to think that outdoor time was his time to stop and smell everything. Running times be damned! And then he'd catch up and pull on his leash, as if saying 'go faster damn it! Why must you run so slow?' I laughed at it, because he was forcing me to go faster. Finally! I had a coach!

When summer rolled around and the snow let up, I quickly realized that if I cared anything about my pace, I couldn't bring my dog on a run. He overheated quickly and couldn't pace himself. He'd start off running like a bullet and I'd have to pull him back for a mile(both to save his energy and mine). Another mile would go by and we'd run just fine together, then on the third mile he'd start hanging back.
"Told you." I'd joke. Try pacing yourself next time you stupid dog.

Hanging back turned into lagging, especially in the hot summer days. I brought along a whole water bottle and a portable bowl for something as short as a 3 mile run. One day I was running and he collapsed into the shade, bringing me to an abrupt stop. He looked back at me as if to say, 'We will not run another step until I'm ready.'

Today I tried to take him on an easy, 4 mile run. There's a ton of snow around, and sidewalks suck right now. Snow(my dog) was constantly darting in front of me, and I was already dodging snow chunks and ice patches. My dog has gotten used to me kicking him in the hind legs if he can't stay on on side of me.

But this week, especially yesterday, sucked on just about every single level, and all I wanted to do was have a great run to blow off stress and have some time for myself. So the things that Snow normally does on my runs really, really bothered me today. He would hang back to smell something, I'd keep running and pull him along, then he'd surge ahead at just the wrong moment, when there'd be about 3 inches of space, forcing me to kick myself in the ankles or in worse circumstances, wrapping my feet around each other and pulling me down on the ice.

It was supposed to be a 4 mile run. I turned around after 1.2 miles taking me 13 minutes. Suddenly I realized that this run wasn't fun anymore. I wasn't enjoying it, and it was making me miserable. And I wanted to kick my dog. Repeatedly. Running was supposed to make me happy, let me relax, zone out, find my stride. Or, it should make me push myself, be competitive and have a long, hard workout that I feel completely dead after. Whatever I wanted. I couldn't do that with my dog. He was a distraction and an annoyance. And most of all, I shouldn't ever want to kick my dog. So I decided that my dog will no longer be sharing any runs with me.

Yeah, it might mean I have to wake up 20 minutes earlier in the mornings, but at least I'll have my runs back.

I've signed up for my first spring race. My first race in over 6 months. Ouch, I didn't realize how long it's been, and how out of shape I've become. Last winter, when I was training(I'm using that term VERY loosely) to run(i.e. practically walk) the P.F. Chang's Marathon, I blamed everything on work and home. My main job had me working extreme amounts of overtime, without getting paid for it. For about a month I was working overnight at the office, then catching a cab home to take a shower and a quick nap before I came back to the office to do it over again. Rinse and repeat. Did I mention during that month my cigarette habit must have gone from 5-7 cigarettes a day to almost a pack? Did I also mention that I was training for a MARATHON? This was stupid on so many levels, I'm ashamed to talk about it.

That marathon was hell. I hated every moment of it. I hated my 5:50:41 finish time (my first marathon [which was also my first race ever] I finished in 4:27:32). So to have a finish like that was just embarrassing for me. I am embarrassed because I couldn't blame anyone for my shitty finishing time. I had done it all to myself. I had skipped my long runs with TNT, time I could have spent training or sleeping or whatever were dedicated to working those overtime hours without pay, and I was smoking and drinking like a teenager who had just found Dad's Marlborough lights and Mom's secret liquor stash. I've never been one to deal with stress in a healthy or even normal fashion, and last winter was certainly no exception.

Sure, I could blame my horrible mental state on everything else that was going on in my life. I was giving my time and my sleep to this company who had completely fucked me over, my second job was punishing me for showing up late to a few shifts because of my other job, and to top it off, my husband didn't have a job. So I was the soul breadwinner, and after 18 or 22 hour days, I'd come home to a messy, foodless house and I then expected myself to go out and RUN 6 or 8 miles? The idea was laughable. Any time I found myself with free time I either fell asleep, or went out on my porch to call my parents or friends and smoked and got wasted as fast as possible.

In short, I was a fucking wreck.

I was nearing the end of my training when I met Claire. This girl is my own personal guru. She works at my office and was there the whole time during the project from hell. She was working almost as much as I was, but yet she was able to constantly be training and running and cycling. Personally, I thought she was amazing and someone I wanted to but could never be, because I couldn't seem to get my act in order.

We take the same train into work. I didn't know this until she and I bumped into each other on the way in. I was smoking. At that time, I didn't know how many events she had done, but I knew she was hardcore. Anyway, she asked me how training was going and I think I looked at her like she was crazy. Here I am, smoking, and she's asking me how my training's going? Is she serious?

"Well, considering how much time I spend here, not very well," I said. Then, acknowledging my cigarette, "You must think I'm so stupid for smoking while training for a marathon."
"No." She said flatly. "I used to drink and smoke when I trained too. I get it. I mean, it's not good for you, but right now, what you're doing, is stressful."

And she left it at that. Since I already felt like a dumb ass for ruining my training, it was nice not to have an athlete talk to me without judgment. Maybe she was secretly judging me, but I didn't notice(and I doubt it).

The day before the marathon, my friend Kelly arrived in Phoenix to meet me. I was still so stressed out and so excited to just get away from all the shit that was happening in Boston, I begged her to drive me to a CVS to pick up some cigarettes. I must have smoked a pack of cigarettes that day. If I had the opportunity, I probably would have smoked one or two before the race at 4:30am.

But, it's been a year since that horrible project, and I think I'm finally getting my shit together again. I haven't had a cigarette in a month, and to be honest, I don't crave it all that much. Only when I'm really really stressed out about something do I even consider asking someone for a cigarette. I've been cutting down my drinking too. I don't go out to drink, and besides getting laid off last month (and an embarrassing scotch incident with my family), I haven't had a drink in awhile. My training is improving, and although my pace is still painfully slow, I know it will improve. If 4 years ago I went from never running before, to being 45 minutes off a Boston marathon qualifying time; then I should be able to bounce back from all these unhealthy choices I've been making the past few years.

So, in sigining up for the Fells Trail Race, a tough as nails trail race which gains and looses 100 feet per mile and I've been told that it's difficulty cannot be overstated. It's an 8 mile race which I might actually come in dead last. My friend Wes, who tried desperately hard to get me to join the Cross Country team when I was a freshman in college, told me that I will *never* come in first or last in a race. I might just prove him wrong with this race because there's probably only going to be about 50 people participating. I told Caire about this race. She's done it twice.

This time, she told me I was crazy.

Well deserved.

In the past, whenever I've tried to make up a running schedule, it's either been to easy or insanely hard. So hard, in fact, that there's no way I could have stuck to it. Problem is, I wanted instant results. But as I am so fond of quoting, "If you focus on results you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results."

But now, I have plans to run 4 days a week, and cross train 3. I'm focusing on pacing myself, mixing in speed workouts with tempo runs, as well as my weekend long run. 3 days of core training, 2 days of cardio cross training. At least as I still have my gym membership, which I have already canceled and will only have access to until February 20. I'm excited, I hate that gym.

I swear I will never, ever join a gym again unless it's the YMCA. If it's good enough for Claire, it must be good enough for me.

So, Sunday rundown:

Pace: 10:31/2 miles
Weight: 151 lbs