I've tried to get back into running again. The last 5 months I've done pretty much zero physical activity, minus running around the restaurant. And I've been smoking, so I've been putting off running because I know I'm going to have to quit sometime soon, and I'm not sure I'm ready for it.

I think about doing a 30 minute run, and it shocks me how intimidating it feels. A 30 minute run used to be nothing for me, even a few months ago I wouldn't have thought twice about it. Now it feels impossible.

I'm going to have to do it though, I'm getting out of shape, and right now I need to feel good about myself.

That is, besides everything I know about the publishing business, and how to make Chinese food, and the workings of a restaurant. But really, what else do I know??

People know about sports. Though I'm from Buffalo and a loyal Bills and Sabres fan, most of my information about both teams is vague and general, about as much as someone from Boston would know about the Bills. It's pretty embarrassing when people try to talk to me about my home team, and not only can I not make any sort of comment about how I think the team is doing this year, but I can't make any kind of educated comments about what happened during the 'dark years' (the 4 year superbowl fail), not about players, not about scores, nothing. I hate sounding ignorant. But to be involved in sports, you actually have to watch them. Read about them. I don't know if I'm just not interested or if I just don't have the time, or if I'm not interested because I don't have the time to invest. I enjoy watching sports. Anything but baseball pretty much. I just wish I could talk about it more.

People know about music. They know artists names and how they develop. The history of music, what's old school, what's up and coming, and have educated opinions about artists and their talent. I enjoy listening to music, my tastes have developed more, but I can't hold my own in a conversation about any type of music. Maybe I just need to branch out and just listen to stuff, take notes on artists, borrow CD's. All this just to sound more educated about music.

People know about stuff. Generally, I feel like half the time I feel lost in a conversation about a lot of things. It's not just conversations, I don't really know how to dance, I don't really have any hobbies that interest other people (I guess when I was doing muay thai that was interesting, but hey, I've lost that too). I know my way around a computer, but I'm far from a nerd or someone who can fix your computer. If you have a shitty layout for a newspaper, that's where I'm superwoman.

It's not that I don't enjoy music or sports and I'm just trying to impress someone by learning about them. I just want to have stuff to talk about, to be a good conversationalist. I like making people laugh. But when people ask me what I've been up to, I want to have something to say.

I guess right now I just feel lost. I'm feeling a complete loss of identity and I'm trying to create a new one. In my new identity I'd rather not work 3 jobs and feel completely exhausted all the time. Beyond that, I don't know what I'd like, but I'd like to fill my life with good things. Like a fruit basket - an expensive fruit basket. I've filled my life with suffering and misery for the past few years, and any glimpse of happiness was overshadowed by the impending doom of reality; now I'd like to fill it with good things that make me happy. First I have to figure out what those things are.

It's no surprise that I haven't been doing anything much lately besides working. In addition to my job at Houghton Mifflin Harcourt and P.F. Chang's, I've picked up a freelance project - designing a math book. It's nothing to brag about, but the client I'm working with really likes me, and thinks I'm super fast and spectacular. Perhaps this will lead to more freelance work in the future.

I stopped going to Muay Thai in April for personal reasons. I've thought about going back a lot, and a lot of people from the gym have been trying to get me back. Most of them have no clue the reason why I left, so it's hard to explain why I can't make class next week. One of the things I hated most about Muay Thai was one of the best things about it. Sensei Marcelo saw potential in me, and he always wanted me to make more classes, to work harder. He was only happy when I was there working out 4-5 times a week for 2-3 hours at a time. Anything less than that he kept hounding me to come to more classes or just to come kick the bag. I didn't enjoy being hounded and feeling like I wasn't working hard enough. If I was able to make it to the gym 10 hours a week after working 80 hours at my job, the last thing I wanted was to feel like I wasn't working hard enough. That made me resentful and angry.

So for now, no Muay Thai. I'm trying very hard to be nice to myself (it's actually pretty difficult), so I don't need to put myself in a situation where I feel pressured and guilty for doing the best I can by someone who has no clue why I do what I do.

Running? I should be running. It would probably help everything that I'm dealing with right now. Unfortunately, I've been smoking too, so that makes running more difficult. I know I shouldn't think so much, just go out for a run, let my mind wander and go as far as I want to go. But it feels like just one more thing I have to do. Another obligation. But I know it would make me feel better if I stuck to it. Even better, my Mom thinks so too. Mom is usually right about things like this.

My life has got to become something besides work. But at this point, I've been working like this for so long, I've taken a sort of pride in it. People tell me that they 'don't know how I can keep working as hard as I do,' and 'they could never do what I do.' I doubt that, but still, I take pride in my endurance. If I'm anything but completely exhausted from work at the end of the day, I feel like I didn't work hard enough. I feel lazy almost. But then I complain that I don't have any time for myself (although when I get it, I don't know what to do with it). Plus, what on earth could possibly make me special if I work a normal schedule like everyone else does?

I wish at the very least I could get excited about weekends like everyone else.