I've tried to get back into running again. The last 5 months I've done pretty much zero physical activity, minus running around the restaurant. And I've been smoking, so I've been putting off running because I know I'm going to have to quit sometime soon, and I'm not sure I'm ready for it.

I think about doing a 30 minute run, and it shocks me how intimidating it feels. A 30 minute run used to be nothing for me, even a few months ago I wouldn't have thought twice about it. Now it feels impossible.

I'm going to have to do it though, I'm getting out of shape, and right now I need to feel good about myself.

That is, besides everything I know about the publishing business, and how to make Chinese food, and the workings of a restaurant. But really, what else do I know??

People know about sports. Though I'm from Buffalo and a loyal Bills and Sabres fan, most of my information about both teams is vague and general, about as much as someone from Boston would know about the Bills. It's pretty embarrassing when people try to talk to me about my home team, and not only can I not make any sort of comment about how I think the team is doing this year, but I can't make any kind of educated comments about what happened during the 'dark years' (the 4 year superbowl fail), not about players, not about scores, nothing. I hate sounding ignorant. But to be involved in sports, you actually have to watch them. Read about them. I don't know if I'm just not interested or if I just don't have the time, or if I'm not interested because I don't have the time to invest. I enjoy watching sports. Anything but baseball pretty much. I just wish I could talk about it more.

People know about music. They know artists names and how they develop. The history of music, what's old school, what's up and coming, and have educated opinions about artists and their talent. I enjoy listening to music, my tastes have developed more, but I can't hold my own in a conversation about any type of music. Maybe I just need to branch out and just listen to stuff, take notes on artists, borrow CD's. All this just to sound more educated about music.

People know about stuff. Generally, I feel like half the time I feel lost in a conversation about a lot of things. It's not just conversations, I don't really know how to dance, I don't really have any hobbies that interest other people (I guess when I was doing muay thai that was interesting, but hey, I've lost that too). I know my way around a computer, but I'm far from a nerd or someone who can fix your computer. If you have a shitty layout for a newspaper, that's where I'm superwoman.

It's not that I don't enjoy music or sports and I'm just trying to impress someone by learning about them. I just want to have stuff to talk about, to be a good conversationalist. I like making people laugh. But when people ask me what I've been up to, I want to have something to say.

I guess right now I just feel lost. I'm feeling a complete loss of identity and I'm trying to create a new one. In my new identity I'd rather not work 3 jobs and feel completely exhausted all the time. Beyond that, I don't know what I'd like, but I'd like to fill my life with good things. Like a fruit basket - an expensive fruit basket. I've filled my life with suffering and misery for the past few years, and any glimpse of happiness was overshadowed by the impending doom of reality; now I'd like to fill it with good things that make me happy. First I have to figure out what those things are.