Two nights ago, I actually couldn't sleep. Normally I could fall asleep standing up on a crowded train with a screaming child next to me. I can't remember the last time I couldn't sleep.

But my husband Sean had just returned from a trip to Buffalo to see my sister, her new husband, and all of my friends. Why couldn't I go? Because I had to work and had already taken off too much time last month because of all the weddings my family had (I swear, I'm not complaining...). My job doesn't offer vacation time, and if I had driven home with him, I couldn't have worked at the restaurant on Friday and Saturday night, so I would have missed out on making $250. That would have been a double whammy.

My sister and her husband were talking with Sean about having kids, and how they want to wait for a little while. But they're Catholic, and not allowed to use birth control, so I'm giving it about a year before I have a nephew or niece. We all know how well the rhythm method works.

On Saturday night, after I had worked a 9 hour shift, and Sean came home, he and I were cuddling and he asked if I was still sure that I didn't want to have kids. Sean and I have always agreed that we didn't want to have kids, or at least that it wasn't terribly likely. He said he just wanted to keep the idea on the horizon and though he didn't want to have kids now, he maybe wanted to in the future. After about 10 minutes, he and the dog were fast asleep and I was wide awake and feeling constricted both physically and mentally, so I went downstairs to listen to Counting Crows and explore the mysteries of Wikipedia until 5am. I hate and love Wikipedia. It can be so inaccurate, but the level of entertainment is astounding. I went from reading about rock lyrics to Greek Mythology to tentacle erotica(ick) in about 10 minutes.

I've had the 'I don't want babies - ever' conversation about ten thousand times, and 99% of the time it's the same reaction: 'Oh, you won't feel that way forever.' Actually, whenever I say something to the effect of 'I don't want kids,' my old co-worker would reply in a giddy tone, 'Yeah, my wife said that too.' He has a 3 year old kid who actually is cute.

But think about it for a minute, why would you ask if I want kids? Right now, I'm a very angry and bitter person. For the past 3 years I've had to work over 80 hours a week to make ends meet. I see a friend or two maybe once a month and talk to my family about that much. My co-workers don't bother asking me what I did over the weekend on Monday mornings anymore. I'm jealous that most people don't have to be anywhere after they clock out at 5pm. Most of my free time is spent working out, and then feeling angry that I don't have time to do anything else. When I am home, I have a husband who I need time with, I have chores to do, and a dog who is constantly whining for attention.

"Well, yeah not now obviously, but what about in a few years when you're not working as much?"
When you've been keeping up this routine for 3 years, does it seem possible to imagine life differently? I can't see past how I'm living right now. I have dreams that I only work 50 hours a week. I dream that I get up, go to work at 8, get out at 5, from Monday through Friday. Those are my dreams. When I relax and go to my 'happy place,' I don't think about being on a sandy beach with a mai thai in my hand, I think about going home after work. About having a whole day off without an agenda or a single thing I have to do. Asking me if in a few years I'd like to have a kid when I'm ::snort:: 'not as busy' is like asking you how you'd like living on the moon, when the technology becomes avaliable.

There's enough shitty parents out there who raise some pretty shitty children. At least I know enough that an overworked bitch probably shouldn't have a child just because she has a vagina.

So the month of weddings is over and to be honest, I'm really excited to get back to my normal busy schedule of work, work, and more work. I also can go back to Muay Thai. I missed just about the whole month of training, and I was almost too embarrassed to go back. Practically every thing I had learned I had forgotten, and I was terribly out of shape. Although I hadn't backslid at all. I haven't had a drink since May 5th, and besides one slip up, I haven't had a cigarette either. I couldn't say if I've quit for good, but I'm taking it one day at a time.

But Muay Thai(MT) is a lot of fun, and I actually feel like I'm getting a workout, which hasn't happened on any of my runs in the past year or so. Yeah, I know that's my own fault for not sticking to my schedule and yadda yadda yadda. I'm so full of excuses (A.K.A. shit) sometimes, and I'm really trying hard to not let those 'excuses' get me down. Like I said, one day at a time.

Here's how MT goes down: We run to warm up, we jump rope, do crunches (depending on which instructor it is we might do anywhere from 50 to 'Keep going until I tell you to stop.'), then it's technique for an hour. Our instructor focuses on one combo, starting easy, then working in different variations to make it a bit more complicated. I'm still floundering in the class because essentially I've just gone to a handful of classes. So, while my instructors say I'm improving, I'm pretty sure I look really stupid. Plus, I bruise easily and my skin is ghastly pale, bruises practically show up as soon as I'm hit because I don't have any Vitamin D in my body or something. I think my doctor thinks I'm a vampire. I can't wear skirts this summer because I'm afraid people will think Sean beats me. He doesn't by the way, I just can't block kicks for the life of me.

Tonight, like every other night of MT, we ended up sparing. We switch partners 2 or 3 times and I usually end up being paired with someone more experienced. But not so experienced that they are totally bored by me trying to throw a poorly placed jab low kick combo. But these guys are usually extremely helpful because I'm so new, bless their hearts. And when they hit me, they stop right before point of impact, or the impact is so light I practically don't feel it. And I appreciate that, not because I don't want to get hit hard, but because hitting me during a sparing session is pretty pointless. Not only would I not learn anything by getting hit hard, but blue belts don't beat on white belts. It's just polite.

But, there's another white belt who started just about the same time as I did. Like me, he doesn't have martial arts training, but I'm pretty sure he played football or something, because he's pretty muscular. A lot of times, we'll end up being partners for the technique part of class, since we're on the same skill level. But tonight I ended up sparing with him. I got a sinking feeling when I realized we were going to have to fight. Remember, I'm a white belt, he's a white belt. NO BEATING ON EACH OTHER. I don't think he gets that.

Don't get me wrong, he's not totally laying into me, and I can take a hit, and I should know to block better, or get out of the way, or see his kick coming and counter, but tonight he pissed me off to a level that I couldn't describe. I thought I was going to dig right through my mouth guard, I was clenching my teeth so hard. But every time I stepped in to throw a punch, he lifted his knee and hit me with a front kick, not so easily mind you. I'd stagger back and try to regroup, and I have to hand it to him, he wasn't really doing anything wrong, he'd hit me with some combos of things I didn't know how to block or counter, my only real option was to just step away, out of range. But, I can tell, this early in, that's NOT going to be my fighting style. I'd rather move to the side, or block and counter, maybe take a step back quickly before going back in, but I don't back up a few feet and then wait for my opponent to come after me. I'm way more aggressive than that. I have a feeling that I'll have to change my ways, but not now. Right now I'm all about throwing myself into the deep end and not being afraid to get hit in the face.

But it was all just embarrassing, getting caught with the same stupid front kick again and again. I was trying different combos, and all he was throwing were kicks. I wasn't so angry with him than with the fact that I was falling for it the every time. After about 2 minutes I was ready to just throw down the gloves and beat the shit out of him. I think that's when I started going after him a bit more aggressively, which made me stupid, and so I fell for even more of his boring front kicks. This kid actually had the nerve to make some comment about how I seemed kind of angry. Of course I'm angry you fucking asshole! Whenever I went in, he just backed up a few feet out of my range, and since I didn't feel like chasing him all over the fucking mat, I backed up so we could start this whole dance all over again. Did I mention that last week he hit me square in the face with a Superman punch? Now, I missed a few classes so maybe it was actually taught to him and he didn't just see it in a fight or in a movie, but really, why would you throw that out in a sparing session unless you were trying to just beat up on someone?

I'm really not trying to be a little girl about this whole thing, and I hate that I sucked so bad that I'm complaining about a few hard punches when I'm really just pissed at myself. I know I'll get better in time, and with more practice, but damn. Getting kicked in the sternum repeatedly sucks.