•Monday, April 30, 2012
...but the shoes are an important part.
This has been a really, really rough couple of years. Not just for me, but for my friends as well. All of us agreed that 2011 was a real bitch and that 2012 better pay off the screw-ups of the previous year.
Last year things were so bad that I didn’t want to acknowledge my birthday. I didn’t want to celebrate anything , because I was so angry and scared and frustrated with the situation I was in. My depression was worse than it ever had been before, and I was in a deep, dark hole where I couldn’t see any light. I had been in that situation so long I began to wonder if I’d ever see light again. Many times, I didn’t care if I would. That was terrifying. Why would you want to celebrate anything if you’re in that dark of a place? So I totally refused to acknowledge it. I had to work, and many people wished me a happy birthday, but I didn’t want to hear it. I was downright grumpy and got irritated with people who wanted to wish me well.
Luckily, I made it out. I still have depression, but with the right meds and therapy and a lot of help from my friends, it’s a bit more under control. But the scars of that time are still fresh in my mind. And it scares me still.
Because of a very brave and extremely funny woman, I started reading thebloggess. And last week, read her post about the Traveling Red Dress project. Read about it here.
And I wanted to celebrate my birthday. I wanted to face the sun and smile when people wished me well. I wanted to remind myself that I am no longer in that deep, dark hole I never thought I’d escape from and I am going forward.
You know what I wanted?
Shoes.
I have 5 pairs of shoes:
Work non-slip shoes
Running shoes
Sneakers
Flip flops
Black pumps (I got these from payless for $12 because I couldn't justify spending any more than that on 'impractical footwear')
I wanted some impractical footwear.
Very impractical. And expensive. And vibrant. And completely unnecessary.
I wanted bright yellow pumps. Think highlighter yellow and so dazzling you’d have to look away if you stared at them for more than a few seconds.
Last weekend, I visited 20 different stores to try to find these shoes. Apparently, they’re ‘all the rage’ this spring and everyone was sold out, or didn’t have them in my size, or they weren’t exactly what I was looking for. Finally, the last store I went to had them. I tried them on, expecting to feel amazing and powerful and strong.
...and they looked cheap. And they didn’t fit well. And I thought, "I’m supposed to slip into these shoes and feel totally beautiful and confidant and sexy. These make me feel like a trashy slut." And I started to feel the wave of darkness coming back.
I practically ran out of the store and instead went back to Aldo, where I had first looked. I had tried on these shoes that I thought I could order in yellow, but it didn’t work out. But the shoes I had tried on were so vibrant, so stunning.
I bought the shoes without a second thought and ran home and told Lucas that he needed to meet me to take pictures of me in these shoes right now. He was surprisingly very ok with this idea. (I have the best friends!!)
So he came over, we went outside and over to the park across from my house. I started getting extremely nervous and thought, "What am I doing? I hate being the center of attention and here I'm making friends take pictures of me because of what? Shoes? Plus, there's people in that park!!" I started backing up, back to my house. Lucas gave me the look that said 'What are you getting nervous about? We are taking those pictures in the park and you WILL put those shoes on and deal with it.' I sighed, nodded, and walked with him to the park, thinking this was a horrible idea, the whole thing.
But we didn't go back inside. Lucas kept taking pictures. And in 15 minutes I had transformed from scared, anxious, nervous little girl:
To someone willing to take a step into the unknown:
And then this happened:
And I transformed. I felt beautiful and strong.
The sun had come out, and I felt so much joy. I felt wonderful, like I deserved all these good feelings. I was worth it.
Now, I can point out from these pictures over 100 things I would like to change about myself physically, I'm not perfect and never will be, but I felt like a totally beautiful person while wearing those shoes.
We all need that. We all need that indulgent thing that isn't practical but makes us feel special and important. Something simple that takes your breath away with how great it makes you feel. The bloggess has the traveling red dress, I have the non-traveling birthday shoes.
Step away from yourself riddled with anxiety, or fear, or depression. Figure out how to bring out that smart, sexy, confidant person who loves themselves despite their flaws. I just did.
And it felt amazing. It only took 15 minutes, a pair of shoes, and a good friend.
I'm very lucky.
Happy birthday to me :)
This has been a really, really rough couple of years. Not just for me, but for my friends as well. All of us agreed that 2011 was a real bitch and that 2012 better pay off the screw-ups of the previous year.
Last year things were so bad that I didn’t want to acknowledge my birthday. I didn’t want to celebrate anything , because I was so angry and scared and frustrated with the situation I was in. My depression was worse than it ever had been before, and I was in a deep, dark hole where I couldn’t see any light. I had been in that situation so long I began to wonder if I’d ever see light again. Many times, I didn’t care if I would. That was terrifying. Why would you want to celebrate anything if you’re in that dark of a place? So I totally refused to acknowledge it. I had to work, and many people wished me a happy birthday, but I didn’t want to hear it. I was downright grumpy and got irritated with people who wanted to wish me well.
Luckily, I made it out. I still have depression, but with the right meds and therapy and a lot of help from my friends, it’s a bit more under control. But the scars of that time are still fresh in my mind. And it scares me still.
Because of a very brave and extremely funny woman, I started reading thebloggess. And last week, read her post about the Traveling Red Dress project. Read about it here.
And I wanted to celebrate my birthday. I wanted to face the sun and smile when people wished me well. I wanted to remind myself that I am no longer in that deep, dark hole I never thought I’d escape from and I am going forward.
You know what I wanted?
Shoes.
I have 5 pairs of shoes:
Work non-slip shoes
Running shoes
Sneakers
Flip flops
Black pumps (I got these from payless for $12 because I couldn't justify spending any more than that on 'impractical footwear')
I wanted some impractical footwear.
Very impractical. And expensive. And vibrant. And completely unnecessary.
I wanted bright yellow pumps. Think highlighter yellow and so dazzling you’d have to look away if you stared at them for more than a few seconds.
Last weekend, I visited 20 different stores to try to find these shoes. Apparently, they’re ‘all the rage’ this spring and everyone was sold out, or didn’t have them in my size, or they weren’t exactly what I was looking for. Finally, the last store I went to had them. I tried them on, expecting to feel amazing and powerful and strong.
...and they looked cheap. And they didn’t fit well. And I thought, "I’m supposed to slip into these shoes and feel totally beautiful and confidant and sexy. These make me feel like a trashy slut." And I started to feel the wave of darkness coming back.
I practically ran out of the store and instead went back to Aldo, where I had first looked. I had tried on these shoes that I thought I could order in yellow, but it didn’t work out. But the shoes I had tried on were so vibrant, so stunning.
 |
| Just. Fierce. |
I bought the shoes without a second thought and ran home and told Lucas that he needed to meet me to take pictures of me in these shoes right now. He was surprisingly very ok with this idea. (I have the best friends!!)
So he came over, we went outside and over to the park across from my house. I started getting extremely nervous and thought, "What am I doing? I hate being the center of attention and here I'm making friends take pictures of me because of what? Shoes? Plus, there's people in that park!!" I started backing up, back to my house. Lucas gave me the look that said 'What are you getting nervous about? We are taking those pictures in the park and you WILL put those shoes on and deal with it.' I sighed, nodded, and walked with him to the park, thinking this was a horrible idea, the whole thing.
 |
| This is the face of regret and anxiety. |
The sun had come out, and I felt so much joy. I felt wonderful, like I deserved all these good feelings. I was worth it.
Now, I can point out from these pictures over 100 things I would like to change about myself physically, I'm not perfect and never will be, but I felt like a totally beautiful person while wearing those shoes.
We all need that. We all need that indulgent thing that isn't practical but makes us feel special and important. Something simple that takes your breath away with how great it makes you feel. The bloggess has the traveling red dress, I have the non-traveling birthday shoes.
Step away from yourself riddled with anxiety, or fear, or depression. Figure out how to bring out that smart, sexy, confidant person who loves themselves despite their flaws. I just did.
And it felt amazing. It only took 15 minutes, a pair of shoes, and a good friend.
I'm very lucky.
Happy birthday to me :)
|
2 comments:
best. post. ever.
Tears in my eyes as I read about you and your shoes. Enjoy them. Smile in them. Dance in them. And make sure they don't get too buried in your closet :)