I've tried to get back into running again. The last 5 months I've done pretty much zero physical activity, minus running around the restaurant. And I've been smoking, so I've been putting off running because I know I'm going to have to quit sometime soon, and I'm not sure I'm ready for it.

I think about doing a 30 minute run, and it shocks me how intimidating it feels. A 30 minute run used to be nothing for me, even a few months ago I wouldn't have thought twice about it. Now it feels impossible.

I'm going to have to do it though, I'm getting out of shape, and right now I need to feel good about myself.

That is, besides everything I know about the publishing business, and how to make Chinese food, and the workings of a restaurant. But really, what else do I know??

People know about sports. Though I'm from Buffalo and a loyal Bills and Sabres fan, most of my information about both teams is vague and general, about as much as someone from Boston would know about the Bills. It's pretty embarrassing when people try to talk to me about my home team, and not only can I not make any sort of comment about how I think the team is doing this year, but I can't make any kind of educated comments about what happened during the 'dark years' (the 4 year superbowl fail), not about players, not about scores, nothing. I hate sounding ignorant. But to be involved in sports, you actually have to watch them. Read about them. I don't know if I'm just not interested or if I just don't have the time, or if I'm not interested because I don't have the time to invest. I enjoy watching sports. Anything but baseball pretty much. I just wish I could talk about it more.

People know about music. They know artists names and how they develop. The history of music, what's old school, what's up and coming, and have educated opinions about artists and their talent. I enjoy listening to music, my tastes have developed more, but I can't hold my own in a conversation about any type of music. Maybe I just need to branch out and just listen to stuff, take notes on artists, borrow CD's. All this just to sound more educated about music.

People know about stuff. Generally, I feel like half the time I feel lost in a conversation about a lot of things. It's not just conversations, I don't really know how to dance, I don't really have any hobbies that interest other people (I guess when I was doing muay thai that was interesting, but hey, I've lost that too). I know my way around a computer, but I'm far from a nerd or someone who can fix your computer. If you have a shitty layout for a newspaper, that's where I'm superwoman.

It's not that I don't enjoy music or sports and I'm just trying to impress someone by learning about them. I just want to have stuff to talk about, to be a good conversationalist. I like making people laugh. But when people ask me what I've been up to, I want to have something to say.

I guess right now I just feel lost. I'm feeling a complete loss of identity and I'm trying to create a new one. In my new identity I'd rather not work 3 jobs and feel completely exhausted all the time. Beyond that, I don't know what I'd like, but I'd like to fill my life with good things. Like a fruit basket - an expensive fruit basket. I've filled my life with suffering and misery for the past few years, and any glimpse of happiness was overshadowed by the impending doom of reality; now I'd like to fill it with good things that make me happy. First I have to figure out what those things are.

It's no surprise that I haven't been doing anything much lately besides working. In addition to my job at Houghton Mifflin Harcourt and P.F. Chang's, I've picked up a freelance project - designing a math book. It's nothing to brag about, but the client I'm working with really likes me, and thinks I'm super fast and spectacular. Perhaps this will lead to more freelance work in the future.

I stopped going to Muay Thai in April for personal reasons. I've thought about going back a lot, and a lot of people from the gym have been trying to get me back. Most of them have no clue the reason why I left, so it's hard to explain why I can't make class next week. One of the things I hated most about Muay Thai was one of the best things about it. Sensei Marcelo saw potential in me, and he always wanted me to make more classes, to work harder. He was only happy when I was there working out 4-5 times a week for 2-3 hours at a time. Anything less than that he kept hounding me to come to more classes or just to come kick the bag. I didn't enjoy being hounded and feeling like I wasn't working hard enough. If I was able to make it to the gym 10 hours a week after working 80 hours at my job, the last thing I wanted was to feel like I wasn't working hard enough. That made me resentful and angry.

So for now, no Muay Thai. I'm trying very hard to be nice to myself (it's actually pretty difficult), so I don't need to put myself in a situation where I feel pressured and guilty for doing the best I can by someone who has no clue why I do what I do.

Running? I should be running. It would probably help everything that I'm dealing with right now. Unfortunately, I've been smoking too, so that makes running more difficult. I know I shouldn't think so much, just go out for a run, let my mind wander and go as far as I want to go. But it feels like just one more thing I have to do. Another obligation. But I know it would make me feel better if I stuck to it. Even better, my Mom thinks so too. Mom is usually right about things like this.

My life has got to become something besides work. But at this point, I've been working like this for so long, I've taken a sort of pride in it. People tell me that they 'don't know how I can keep working as hard as I do,' and 'they could never do what I do.' I doubt that, but still, I take pride in my endurance. If I'm anything but completely exhausted from work at the end of the day, I feel like I didn't work hard enough. I feel lazy almost. But then I complain that I don't have any time for myself (although when I get it, I don't know what to do with it). Plus, what on earth could possibly make me special if I work a normal schedule like everyone else does?

I wish at the very least I could get excited about weekends like everyone else.

So, it's been a few weeks; I'm still sucking at sparring and it rattles me every time. I've had one good sparring session after I got 'hit,' but every other one has been challenging. And it's not all in my head either. My sparring partners have told me after that I was hesitant, flinching, or even closing my eyes. Honestly, I don't know what is wrong with me. I'm not exactly afraid of getting hit, but when I see punches coming at me, I sort of freeze and can't react. I'm also told this is a natural reaction to violence, and since I've never been in a fight before (who, me?), I haven't conditioned myself to automatically defend myself, let alone obliterate my opponent.

Sensei Marcello told Sean once that women aren't naturally violent as men are, and it can be more difficult for women to get over the fear of being in a physical confrontation. I'm not sure how much I agree with this statement, because that means I'll probably have a long road to go before I won't get rattled every sparring session.

That one time I sparred and did well was the class after I got hit. I simply focused on defending myself, my footwork, and keeping my chin down. Other than that, I think it was luck that I did so well. There's been a few days since then when I've wondered if I'm really cut out for Muay Thai. If I'm not happy with my preformance then I'm not doing good enough. I want so badly to be good at this, but I want it all at once. I made a list last time about things I need to work on, and while it was a good idea, I didn't follow through. I didn't think about what I wanted to achieve before each Muay Thai class. I didn't have a goal, so there wasn't going to be any way in hell I could have satisfied myself with my performance, even if it was my best yet.

Sean suggested making a playlist that I only listen to when I'm on my way to class, just to get myself in the mindset that I'm about to go fight and to leave everything else outside. And to review my list of goals before each class, and just focus on that. Work on those things for a week, then reevaluate. If I'm comfortable with, let's say, keeping my chin down, and I'm doing it without thinking about it, then I can move on to the next goal. If I'm still struggling with it, I'll take another week.

Repeat this process until I'm better than Gina Carano.

This week:
Keeping my chin down, and my footwork--move around more, step in and out, don't just stand there and get beat up.

I've said it once and I'll say it again:

Getting hit in the face sucks.

But, as I've said so many times whenever I get struck in Muay Thai, it's my own damn fault.

Last night I was sparring with a new guy. A big guy. At least a foot taller than me and maybe 200 pounds. He had a pinched nerve or something so we decided to just box, no kicking. At first I thought this was great, I could just work on my punches, but I quickly realized this guy had a significant reach on me. At first I was doing alright, countering his punches or dodging them, but I kept eating punches because I didn't keep my chin down, and I was going to have to figure out a way to get close to him without getting hit over and over. Normally, I'd just kick him and work my way in since I have long legs, but that was out. Finally, I figured I'd just have to go balls to the wall and take the punches, and then keep moving in and get a good combo or two. This was probably not a good idea. I brought an extra level of aggression to the table which I shouldn't have done.

So I went after this guy, and I wasn't thinking, and didn't put my chin down and left myself open. I can only blame myself for the straight punch he threw. He had gloves on, but that really didn't prevent me from seeing stars. I've been hit in the face before, but not like this. I couldn't see. I backed off from fighting and held onto the cage for a minute or two. I was fine, I just felt like such a weakling. I was pissed off because Sensei has been telling me for weeks that I need to keep my chin down when fighting, and although I was aware of it, I wasn't really thinking about it, just like I wasn't thinking of staying on my toes so I could have moved out of the way.

I was thinking, "How do I get in there and land a good strike?" I tend to think on the offensive, but act defensively. During sparring, I wait for punches and try to counter and land a combo. I hate my hesitation, because I don't want to be afraid to fight, and I think I am a little bit at this point. The best I can usually do is try to execute a combo we learned in class that day. Things go so fast during sparing and I think too much.

I got back to sparing after taking a minute, but I was totally gunshy the rest of class. I might as well have just been standing there with my hands down. At one point, I just froze and got hit in the face (lightly) by another student, and he asked me what was wrong. I was pissed, and shaking I was so upset at myself. I was relieved when we stopped sparring and I could just leave. I wasn't fighting smart anymore.

I know what I need to work on, but it's not coming together fast enough. And now I'm taking Jiu Jitsu, so I have a whole new sport to focus on and dive right into. I have to use my time more wisely and work on my weaknesses one by one. I can't just rely on classes 3 times a week and and expect things to fall into place.

Weaknesses
Keeping my chin down
Staying on my toes and moving around
Judging distance for kicks and punches
Dropping hands when being kicked or punched in the gut
Forgetting combo attacks
Going too hard in sparring sessions and running out of gas, and making stupid mistakes
(not) Breathing out through the mouth and in through the nose

First thing is keeping my chin down. I'm spending this week focusing on that. Sean bought me a small tennis ball to put between my chin when I'm practicing. I know I'm going to be chasing that little ball all around the gym. Good thing no one brings their dog to practice.

Things have sucked lately. So, instead of obsessing and over-thinking everything, I decided to throw myself into hardcore training for Muay Thai. Monday-Friday mornings I have conditioning and running, then Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday I have 3-4 hours straight of Muay Thai and Jiu Jitsu. I'm hoping this schedule will chisle me into a technical and strong fighter, and leave me too damn tired to think about anything else but work. Mornings have been hard because it's dark outside at 6am when I wake up, and it's going to start snowing soon. I'll be fine on the mornings I have to run, but on conditioning days (jump rope, pylometrics, sprinting), I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I don't have a gym to go to anymore, and I have to be realistic. I'm not going to shovel out a section on my driveway to jump rope or risk slipping on some ice trying to sprint up the hill by my house. I'm going to have to find something else to do.

The main thing I have to focus on is developing my fast-twitch muscle fibers. Years of distance running and endurance sports has made my slow twitch fibers tough as hell. But when I spar with someone, I can't finish a 3 minute round without getting winded.

This crazy schedule has really been amazing though. I'm digging out my clothes from the back of my closet that I haven't worn in 3 years, and anything physical I have to do at the restaurant has been a piece of cake (running up 2 flights of stairs every 10 minutes used to really kill me).

The only unfortunate thing about this schedule is I've really slacked on the running. I can only run 3 days a week. Awhile back I read about the FIRST Training Program on Runners World, and I figured with my schedule i was the only way I could accomplish a half marathon with any kind of planning. Sure, I could probably just run and run and run some more, then run a lot on race day (for a half marathon anyway, I wouldn't be so cocky about a full), but that's pretty half assed. And I like having a plan for running. It's stable and structured and goal oriented. It's a balance to Muay Thai. And my goals have switched anyway. The New Orleans Half Marathon is now more of a reason for me to go see my friend and not for me to PR or qualify for Boston.

Hopefully Muay Thai, running, Houghton and P.F. Chang's will keep me busy enough. If that fails, I'm sure I could pick up another hobby.

Running is going to take a back seat for awhile. I've been training in Muay Thai for a few months now, and the more I train, the more I love it. I'm trying to find ways to fit more classes into my schedule, and next month I'm planning on picking up Brazilian Jiu Jitsu as well. Right now, I'm only going 3 times a week for an hour or two, sometimes staying late or getting to class early. However, next week I can start taking women's classes in addition to the regular Muay Thai classes. It'll completely eat up any free time I thought I had, but I'm actually ok with it. Not just ok, I'm beyond excited to be doing this. Actually, I feel blessed that I have as much time as I can to be doing this, and to be working someone so accomplished as Marcelo Siqueira, the owner and head instructor of the school.

This is a totally new area for me to be exploring. No one in my family is athletic, much less a fighter. At first, I was just planning on taking Muay Thai to get in shape (I'm already down to 135 - lighter than I've been since college), but after a few months of classes, I really want more from it.

This could, in part, be because it seems as though Marcelo has taken an interest in me. He's pushing me to start BJJ, and when he's teaching the class, if there's an odd man out, he'll work on technique with me. I haven't seen him do this with anyone else, unless that person is a beginner. At first I was confused, I thought that he was only working with me because I sucked so bad. But Sean does BJJ at the same school, and has been there for about a year now, and he knows Marcelo better than I do. He told me three things:

-Unlike other instructors who don't give up on any student, Marcelo only specifically works with students who he feels has potential. He doesn't have a lot of pity.
-Marcelo doesn't push everyone to come to more classes or to take on an extra sport. He's always telling me I should come to more classes and to start taking BJJ.
-My technique isn't amazing. I am not wonder girl, one of those people who steps into the sport and picks up everything perfectly and swiftly. But, that doesn't matter, because what I have is game and heart. You can teach technique, you can teach style, but you can't teach heart.

Of course this made my head swell up to the size of a watermelon. Does Marcelo really think I have potential? I've never, by any means, been considered an athlete, but then again, I've never had the drive to do anything like I have for Muay Thai, not even running a marathon. Running a marthon was about proving something to myself, but with Muay Thai, I want to fight. If I was just doing this to prove something to myself, I could be proud that I'm really the only girl in that school who takes Muay Thai and fights with the guys. Or that after a few months or years, I could be confident knowing that I could defend myself if something ever happened to me. But I want to get in the cage and show that my hard work and focus has paid off. It's not just beating someone up or winning a match. It's about getting in there and showing your game.

And, unlike running, when I felt like I was 'tough enough' to cut corners, cut workouts, sneak a cigarette in here or there - I know I can't do that with Muay Thai. I don't want to sacrifice the opportunity I have here.

So my schedule is going to be insane. When I'm not working, I'll be at the gym.

**I had to take note, because although at times I feel like I'm on the top of the world, I have bad days at the gym, usually after sparing(and usually only if I feel like I've run out of steam). I included the link below to remind myself that I'm not the only one who feels that way, and to remember to leave all my personal shit outside the gym. Self doubt, anxieties, fear, and exhaustion - all that gets left outside the ring.**
http://www.fightergirls.net/phpBB/viewtopic.php?t=3548