So, it's been a few weeks; I'm still sucking at sparring and it rattles me every time. I've had one good sparring session after I got 'hit,' but every other one has been challenging. And it's not all in my head either. My sparring partners have told me after that I was hesitant, flinching, or even closing my eyes. Honestly, I don't know what is wrong with me. I'm not exactly afraid of getting hit, but when I see punches coming at me, I sort of freeze and can't react. I'm also told this is a natural reaction to violence, and since I've never been in a fight before (who, me?), I haven't conditioned myself to automatically defend myself, let alone obliterate my opponent.

Sensei Marcello told Sean once that women aren't naturally violent as men are, and it can be more difficult for women to get over the fear of being in a physical confrontation. I'm not sure how much I agree with this statement, because that means I'll probably have a long road to go before I won't get rattled every sparring session.

That one time I sparred and did well was the class after I got hit. I simply focused on defending myself, my footwork, and keeping my chin down. Other than that, I think it was luck that I did so well. There's been a few days since then when I've wondered if I'm really cut out for Muay Thai. If I'm not happy with my preformance then I'm not doing good enough. I want so badly to be good at this, but I want it all at once. I made a list last time about things I need to work on, and while it was a good idea, I didn't follow through. I didn't think about what I wanted to achieve before each Muay Thai class. I didn't have a goal, so there wasn't going to be any way in hell I could have satisfied myself with my performance, even if it was my best yet.

Sean suggested making a playlist that I only listen to when I'm on my way to class, just to get myself in the mindset that I'm about to go fight and to leave everything else outside. And to review my list of goals before each class, and just focus on that. Work on those things for a week, then reevaluate. If I'm comfortable with, let's say, keeping my chin down, and I'm doing it without thinking about it, then I can move on to the next goal. If I'm still struggling with it, I'll take another week.

Repeat this process until I'm better than Gina Carano.

This week:
Keeping my chin down, and my footwork--move around more, step in and out, don't just stand there and get beat up.