Ok, so things are getting weird.

And by weird, I mean better.

So, I've made some serious life changes which I want to keep up with, and I have some pretty big goals that I can accomplish.

I quit smoking. Granted, it's only been 1 day. I'm sure I haven't had the worst of it yet. But it's something. And within one day, my mind has turned to other things to focus on.

I've been biking to work a lot for the past few weeks. And after a few flat tires and some trips to the bike shop and asking my boyfriend a ridiculous amount of questions, I feel like I have a rhythm down. Or at least I plan on commuting on my bike unless something happens.  I'm trying to see if I can only put $20 on my Charlie Card for this month and see if that's all I need. Which would be nice. $70/month for a monthly pass? I'm sorry, that won't do. Then it jumps to $140 if I get a commuter rail pass. Totally insane.

The added bonus of biking on almost a daily basis is the amount of cardio I get just by getting to work and back. Considering that I'm just getting back into working out again, it's good to have something that forces me to work out every day. Anything else I do is bonus.

And I'm not doing that much more, but at least I'm not sitting around saying, 'I can't do that until I quit smoking.' (and then continue to smoke with no plan to quit)

But, I want to be athletic again. I remember when I wanted to run my first marathon. I hadn't ever really run before, I never really liked running either, and at that point I couldn't run more than a half mile without almost passing out.

Eight months after I made the decision to start running, I ran my first marathon in 4:32. I don't know how I trained, I just clocked the miles. No interval training, no coaching. Just me and my sneakers and the Charles River.

Now, I want to get back to that. Not for vanity or for gloating ability, but just because I can.

It's not going to be that hard to reach a personal record for me for just about any race I run, because I've run 2 marathons and a 5k. That's it. I feel like I train for things backwards.

So, here's the goal(s):

I want to be able to run a 7 minute mile. Keep in mind, I've never run anything faster than a 8:05 min/mile.

I want to qualify for the Boston Marathon in 2014 (I'll still be 30 then, and I feel that would be a good reward to welcome myself into my next decade)

I want to run a 3:15 marathon. (I'd need to run 3 hour 35 min to qualify for Boston, but Boston is filling up faster and faster every year, and not everyone who qualifies gets to run. So I want to aim low)

A 3:15 marathon requires me to run a 7:30 minute mile pace the whole 26.2 miles. I want to know if an ex-smoker can do this.

I have about 14 months to accomplish all these things.

The super-insane thing is I think I can do it. After all, I am clearly a glutton for punishment.

...but the shoes are an important part.

This has been a really, really rough couple of years. Not just for me, but for my friends as well.  All of us agreed that 2011 was a real bitch and that 2012 better pay off the screw-ups of the previous year. 

Last year things were so bad that I didn’t want to acknowledge my birthday.  I didn’t want to celebrate anything , because I was so angry and scared and frustrated with the situation I was in. My depression was worse than it ever had been before, and I was in a deep, dark hole where I couldn’t see any light. I had been in that situation so long I began to wonder if I’d ever see light again. Many times, I didn’t care if I would. That was terrifying. Why would you want to celebrate anything if you’re in that dark of a place? So I totally refused to acknowledge it.  I had to work, and many people wished me a happy birthday, but I didn’t want to hear it. I was downright grumpy and got irritated with people who wanted to wish me well.

Luckily, I made it out. I still have depression, but with the right meds and therapy and a lot of help from my friends, it’s a bit more under control.  But the scars of that time are still fresh in my mind. And it scares me still.

Because of a very brave and extremely funny woman, I started reading thebloggess.  And last week, read her post about the Traveling Red Dress project. Read about it here.

And I wanted to celebrate my birthday.  I wanted to face the sun and smile when people wished me well. I wanted to remind myself that I am no longer in that deep, dark hole I never thought I’d escape from and I am going forward.

You know what I wanted?

Shoes.

I have 5 pairs of shoes:
Work non-slip shoes
Running shoes
Sneakers
Flip flops
Black pumps (I got these from payless for $12 because I couldn't justify spending any more than that on 'impractical footwear')

I wanted some impractical footwear.

Very impractical. And expensive. And vibrant. And completely unnecessary.

I wanted bright yellow pumps. Think highlighter yellow and so dazzling you’d have to look away if you stared at them for more than a few seconds.

Last weekend, I visited 20 different stores to try to find these shoes.  Apparently, they’re ‘all the rage’ this spring and everyone was sold out, or didn’t have them in my size, or they weren’t exactly what I was looking for.  Finally, the last store I went to had them. I tried them on, expecting to feel amazing and powerful and strong. 


...and they looked cheap. And they didn’t fit well. And I thought, "I’m supposed to slip into these shoes and feel totally beautiful and confidant and sexy.  These make me feel like a trashy slut." And I started to feel the wave of darkness coming back. 

I practically ran out of the store and instead went back to Aldo, where I had first looked. I had tried on these shoes that I thought I could order in yellow, but it didn’t work out.  But the shoes I had tried on were so vibrant, so stunning. 

Just. Fierce.

I bought the shoes without a second thought and ran home and told Lucas that he needed to meet me to take pictures of me in these shoes right now. He was surprisingly very ok with this idea. (I have the best friends!!)


So he came over, we went outside and over to the park across from my house.  I started getting extremely nervous and thought, "What am I doing? I hate being the center of attention and here I'm making friends take pictures of me because of what? Shoes? Plus, there's people in that park!!" I started backing up, back to my house. Lucas gave me the look that said 'What are you getting nervous about? We are taking those pictures in the park and you WILL put those shoes on and deal with it.' I sighed, nodded, and walked with him to the park, thinking this was a horrible idea, the whole thing.

This is the face of regret and anxiety.

 But we didn't go back inside.  Lucas kept taking pictures. And in 15 minutes I had transformed from scared, anxious, nervous little girl:
 To someone willing to take a step into the unknown:


And then this happened:
And I transformed. I felt beautiful and strong.


The sun had come out, and I felt so much joy. I felt wonderful, like I deserved all these good feelings. I was worth it. 


Now, I can point out from these pictures over 100 things I would like to change about myself physically, I'm not perfect and never will be, but I felt like a totally beautiful person while wearing those shoes.





We all need that. We all need that indulgent thing that isn't practical but makes us feel special and important. Something simple that takes your breath away with how great it makes you feel. The bloggess has the traveling red dress, I have the non-traveling birthday shoes.








Step away from yourself riddled with anxiety, or fear, or depression.  Figure out how to bring out that smart, sexy, confidant person who loves themselves despite their flaws.  I just did.




And it felt amazing.  It only took 15 minutes, a pair of shoes, and a good friend.


I'm very lucky.


Happy birthday to me :)

I've tried to get back into running again. The last 5 months I've done pretty much zero physical activity, minus running around the restaurant. And I've been smoking, so I've been putting off running because I know I'm going to have to quit sometime soon, and I'm not sure I'm ready for it.

I think about doing a 30 minute run, and it shocks me how intimidating it feels. A 30 minute run used to be nothing for me, even a few months ago I wouldn't have thought twice about it. Now it feels impossible.

I'm going to have to do it though, I'm getting out of shape, and right now I need to feel good about myself.

That is, besides everything I know about the publishing business, and how to make Chinese food, and the workings of a restaurant. But really, what else do I know??

People know about sports. Though I'm from Buffalo and a loyal Bills and Sabres fan, most of my information about both teams is vague and general, about as much as someone from Boston would know about the Bills. It's pretty embarrassing when people try to talk to me about my home team, and not only can I not make any sort of comment about how I think the team is doing this year, but I can't make any kind of educated comments about what happened during the 'dark years' (the 4 year superbowl fail), not about players, not about scores, nothing. I hate sounding ignorant. But to be involved in sports, you actually have to watch them. Read about them. I don't know if I'm just not interested or if I just don't have the time, or if I'm not interested because I don't have the time to invest. I enjoy watching sports. Anything but baseball pretty much. I just wish I could talk about it more.

People know about music. They know artists names and how they develop. The history of music, what's old school, what's up and coming, and have educated opinions about artists and their talent. I enjoy listening to music, my tastes have developed more, but I can't hold my own in a conversation about any type of music. Maybe I just need to branch out and just listen to stuff, take notes on artists, borrow CD's. All this just to sound more educated about music.

People know about stuff. Generally, I feel like half the time I feel lost in a conversation about a lot of things. It's not just conversations, I don't really know how to dance, I don't really have any hobbies that interest other people (I guess when I was doing muay thai that was interesting, but hey, I've lost that too). I know my way around a computer, but I'm far from a nerd or someone who can fix your computer. If you have a shitty layout for a newspaper, that's where I'm superwoman.

It's not that I don't enjoy music or sports and I'm just trying to impress someone by learning about them. I just want to have stuff to talk about, to be a good conversationalist. I like making people laugh. But when people ask me what I've been up to, I want to have something to say.

I guess right now I just feel lost. I'm feeling a complete loss of identity and I'm trying to create a new one. In my new identity I'd rather not work 3 jobs and feel completely exhausted all the time. Beyond that, I don't know what I'd like, but I'd like to fill my life with good things. Like a fruit basket - an expensive fruit basket. I've filled my life with suffering and misery for the past few years, and any glimpse of happiness was overshadowed by the impending doom of reality; now I'd like to fill it with good things that make me happy. First I have to figure out what those things are.

It's no surprise that I haven't been doing anything much lately besides working. In addition to my job at Houghton Mifflin Harcourt and P.F. Chang's, I've picked up a freelance project - designing a math book. It's nothing to brag about, but the client I'm working with really likes me, and thinks I'm super fast and spectacular. Perhaps this will lead to more freelance work in the future.

I stopped going to Muay Thai in April for personal reasons. I've thought about going back a lot, and a lot of people from the gym have been trying to get me back. Most of them have no clue the reason why I left, so it's hard to explain why I can't make class next week. One of the things I hated most about Muay Thai was one of the best things about it. Sensei Marcelo saw potential in me, and he always wanted me to make more classes, to work harder. He was only happy when I was there working out 4-5 times a week for 2-3 hours at a time. Anything less than that he kept hounding me to come to more classes or just to come kick the bag. I didn't enjoy being hounded and feeling like I wasn't working hard enough. If I was able to make it to the gym 10 hours a week after working 80 hours at my job, the last thing I wanted was to feel like I wasn't working hard enough. That made me resentful and angry.

So for now, no Muay Thai. I'm trying very hard to be nice to myself (it's actually pretty difficult), so I don't need to put myself in a situation where I feel pressured and guilty for doing the best I can by someone who has no clue why I do what I do.

Running? I should be running. It would probably help everything that I'm dealing with right now. Unfortunately, I've been smoking too, so that makes running more difficult. I know I shouldn't think so much, just go out for a run, let my mind wander and go as far as I want to go. But it feels like just one more thing I have to do. Another obligation. But I know it would make me feel better if I stuck to it. Even better, my Mom thinks so too. Mom is usually right about things like this.

My life has got to become something besides work. But at this point, I've been working like this for so long, I've taken a sort of pride in it. People tell me that they 'don't know how I can keep working as hard as I do,' and 'they could never do what I do.' I doubt that, but still, I take pride in my endurance. If I'm anything but completely exhausted from work at the end of the day, I feel like I didn't work hard enough. I feel lazy almost. But then I complain that I don't have any time for myself (although when I get it, I don't know what to do with it). Plus, what on earth could possibly make me special if I work a normal schedule like everyone else does?

I wish at the very least I could get excited about weekends like everyone else.

So, it's been a few weeks; I'm still sucking at sparring and it rattles me every time. I've had one good sparring session after I got 'hit,' but every other one has been challenging. And it's not all in my head either. My sparring partners have told me after that I was hesitant, flinching, or even closing my eyes. Honestly, I don't know what is wrong with me. I'm not exactly afraid of getting hit, but when I see punches coming at me, I sort of freeze and can't react. I'm also told this is a natural reaction to violence, and since I've never been in a fight before (who, me?), I haven't conditioned myself to automatically defend myself, let alone obliterate my opponent.

Sensei Marcello told Sean once that women aren't naturally violent as men are, and it can be more difficult for women to get over the fear of being in a physical confrontation. I'm not sure how much I agree with this statement, because that means I'll probably have a long road to go before I won't get rattled every sparring session.

That one time I sparred and did well was the class after I got hit. I simply focused on defending myself, my footwork, and keeping my chin down. Other than that, I think it was luck that I did so well. There's been a few days since then when I've wondered if I'm really cut out for Muay Thai. If I'm not happy with my preformance then I'm not doing good enough. I want so badly to be good at this, but I want it all at once. I made a list last time about things I need to work on, and while it was a good idea, I didn't follow through. I didn't think about what I wanted to achieve before each Muay Thai class. I didn't have a goal, so there wasn't going to be any way in hell I could have satisfied myself with my performance, even if it was my best yet.

Sean suggested making a playlist that I only listen to when I'm on my way to class, just to get myself in the mindset that I'm about to go fight and to leave everything else outside. And to review my list of goals before each class, and just focus on that. Work on those things for a week, then reevaluate. If I'm comfortable with, let's say, keeping my chin down, and I'm doing it without thinking about it, then I can move on to the next goal. If I'm still struggling with it, I'll take another week.

Repeat this process until I'm better than Gina Carano.

This week:
Keeping my chin down, and my footwork--move around more, step in and out, don't just stand there and get beat up.

I've said it once and I'll say it again:

Getting hit in the face sucks.

But, as I've said so many times whenever I get struck in Muay Thai, it's my own damn fault.

Last night I was sparring with a new guy. A big guy. At least a foot taller than me and maybe 200 pounds. He had a pinched nerve or something so we decided to just box, no kicking. At first I thought this was great, I could just work on my punches, but I quickly realized this guy had a significant reach on me. At first I was doing alright, countering his punches or dodging them, but I kept eating punches because I didn't keep my chin down, and I was going to have to figure out a way to get close to him without getting hit over and over. Normally, I'd just kick him and work my way in since I have long legs, but that was out. Finally, I figured I'd just have to go balls to the wall and take the punches, and then keep moving in and get a good combo or two. This was probably not a good idea. I brought an extra level of aggression to the table which I shouldn't have done.

So I went after this guy, and I wasn't thinking, and didn't put my chin down and left myself open. I can only blame myself for the straight punch he threw. He had gloves on, but that really didn't prevent me from seeing stars. I've been hit in the face before, but not like this. I couldn't see. I backed off from fighting and held onto the cage for a minute or two. I was fine, I just felt like such a weakling. I was pissed off because Sensei has been telling me for weeks that I need to keep my chin down when fighting, and although I was aware of it, I wasn't really thinking about it, just like I wasn't thinking of staying on my toes so I could have moved out of the way.

I was thinking, "How do I get in there and land a good strike?" I tend to think on the offensive, but act defensively. During sparring, I wait for punches and try to counter and land a combo. I hate my hesitation, because I don't want to be afraid to fight, and I think I am a little bit at this point. The best I can usually do is try to execute a combo we learned in class that day. Things go so fast during sparing and I think too much.

I got back to sparing after taking a minute, but I was totally gunshy the rest of class. I might as well have just been standing there with my hands down. At one point, I just froze and got hit in the face (lightly) by another student, and he asked me what was wrong. I was pissed, and shaking I was so upset at myself. I was relieved when we stopped sparring and I could just leave. I wasn't fighting smart anymore.

I know what I need to work on, but it's not coming together fast enough. And now I'm taking Jiu Jitsu, so I have a whole new sport to focus on and dive right into. I have to use my time more wisely and work on my weaknesses one by one. I can't just rely on classes 3 times a week and and expect things to fall into place.

Weaknesses
Keeping my chin down
Staying on my toes and moving around
Judging distance for kicks and punches
Dropping hands when being kicked or punched in the gut
Forgetting combo attacks
Going too hard in sparring sessions and running out of gas, and making stupid mistakes
(not) Breathing out through the mouth and in through the nose

First thing is keeping my chin down. I'm spending this week focusing on that. Sean bought me a small tennis ball to put between my chin when I'm practicing. I know I'm going to be chasing that little ball all around the gym. Good thing no one brings their dog to practice.