I should have known I was going to fail this morning’s workout when I set my alarm for 5:45am at 1am this morning. 4 hours and 45 minutes of sleep(at most), what was I thinking? Usually, I’m pretty good at getting up in the morning and doing my workout(most weekdays I don’t have the time to work out in the evening, so it’s morning or nothing), but this last week has been a real problem. So, I hit the snooze until 7:45am, barely enough time for me to shower and get ready before I had to catch the train.

Whenever I miss a morning workout and I know I can’t make it up later in the day, I obsess over it. I can’t just let it go. I’m too scared I’ll keep missing workouts and I’ll be the person I used to be – calling myself a runner but only running once a week (or less).

Currently, I’m not as scared of becoming that person again. Very recently I had to choose between doing some errands or going out for my long run, and I had my first moment when I realized I didn’t want to miss my run. Not just because I would have to mark another ‘rest day’ on my training schedule, but because I really truly wanted to run and get out there for an hour or two. It was really exciting to finally feel this way.

However, my work/sleep/running schedule makes for a real bitch when I’m tired, because I don’t know what to fix. I read some articles on Runners World about sleeping, how greatly it effects your performance and ‘how to sleep,’ things that I need to do to sleep more efficiently, but those articles were clearly not written for someone with my schedule. I have too many questions: Am I overtraining or just not getting enough sleep? Am I getting enough sleep or am I mentally exhausted from my jobs? Do I have the stamina to work 70 hours a week and train for marathons as well as take care of my family?

That last question always gets me. I always wonder if I’m strong enough for the goals I set for myself. And how far and how hard am I going to push myself before I can actually accept that I’m truly working hard enough? When I’m running 70 mile weeks and pushing a 7min/mi? Do I have to get sick and be unable to train or work for a few days before I realize my body is at it’s breaking point? Or worse, do I have to get injured before I can award myself with the ‘Liz is hardcore’ metal?

Is that what I need? To push my body to it’s breaking point? I know a few people who take training to their own insane level. If they don’t puke during a tempo run, they haven’t worked hard enough. If they don’t collapse and sleep for a few hours after their long runs, they didn’t go far enough. Their training is measured by how much it takes out of them.

That’s what I want. I want to leave no room for speculation, no room for doubt or questions. I want to know for sure where my ‘danger-do not cross’ line is. After that, I can back off. But I want to know my limits.