Things have sucked lately. So, instead of obsessing and over-thinking everything, I decided to throw myself into hardcore training for Muay Thai. Monday-Friday mornings I have conditioning and running, then Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday I have 3-4 hours straight of Muay Thai and Jiu Jitsu. I'm hoping this schedule will chisle me into a technical and strong fighter, and leave me too damn tired to think about anything else but work. Mornings have been hard because it's dark outside at 6am when I wake up, and it's going to start snowing soon. I'll be fine on the mornings I have to run, but on conditioning days (jump rope, pylometrics, sprinting), I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I don't have a gym to go to anymore, and I have to be realistic. I'm not going to shovel out a section on my driveway to jump rope or risk slipping on some ice trying to sprint up the hill by my house. I'm going to have to find something else to do.

The main thing I have to focus on is developing my fast-twitch muscle fibers. Years of distance running and endurance sports has made my slow twitch fibers tough as hell. But when I spar with someone, I can't finish a 3 minute round without getting winded.

This crazy schedule has really been amazing though. I'm digging out my clothes from the back of my closet that I haven't worn in 3 years, and anything physical I have to do at the restaurant has been a piece of cake (running up 2 flights of stairs every 10 minutes used to really kill me).

The only unfortunate thing about this schedule is I've really slacked on the running. I can only run 3 days a week. Awhile back I read about the FIRST Training Program on Runners World, and I figured with my schedule i was the only way I could accomplish a half marathon with any kind of planning. Sure, I could probably just run and run and run some more, then run a lot on race day (for a half marathon anyway, I wouldn't be so cocky about a full), but that's pretty half assed. And I like having a plan for running. It's stable and structured and goal oriented. It's a balance to Muay Thai. And my goals have switched anyway. The New Orleans Half Marathon is now more of a reason for me to go see my friend and not for me to PR or qualify for Boston.

Hopefully Muay Thai, running, Houghton and P.F. Chang's will keep me busy enough. If that fails, I'm sure I could pick up another hobby.

Running is going to take a back seat for awhile. I've been training in Muay Thai for a few months now, and the more I train, the more I love it. I'm trying to find ways to fit more classes into my schedule, and next month I'm planning on picking up Brazilian Jiu Jitsu as well. Right now, I'm only going 3 times a week for an hour or two, sometimes staying late or getting to class early. However, next week I can start taking women's classes in addition to the regular Muay Thai classes. It'll completely eat up any free time I thought I had, but I'm actually ok with it. Not just ok, I'm beyond excited to be doing this. Actually, I feel blessed that I have as much time as I can to be doing this, and to be working someone so accomplished as Marcelo Siqueira, the owner and head instructor of the school.

This is a totally new area for me to be exploring. No one in my family is athletic, much less a fighter. At first, I was just planning on taking Muay Thai to get in shape (I'm already down to 135 - lighter than I've been since college), but after a few months of classes, I really want more from it.

This could, in part, be because it seems as though Marcelo has taken an interest in me. He's pushing me to start BJJ, and when he's teaching the class, if there's an odd man out, he'll work on technique with me. I haven't seen him do this with anyone else, unless that person is a beginner. At first I was confused, I thought that he was only working with me because I sucked so bad. But Sean does BJJ at the same school, and has been there for about a year now, and he knows Marcelo better than I do. He told me three things:

-Unlike other instructors who don't give up on any student, Marcelo only specifically works with students who he feels has potential. He doesn't have a lot of pity.
-Marcelo doesn't push everyone to come to more classes or to take on an extra sport. He's always telling me I should come to more classes and to start taking BJJ.
-My technique isn't amazing. I am not wonder girl, one of those people who steps into the sport and picks up everything perfectly and swiftly. But, that doesn't matter, because what I have is game and heart. You can teach technique, you can teach style, but you can't teach heart.

Of course this made my head swell up to the size of a watermelon. Does Marcelo really think I have potential? I've never, by any means, been considered an athlete, but then again, I've never had the drive to do anything like I have for Muay Thai, not even running a marathon. Running a marthon was about proving something to myself, but with Muay Thai, I want to fight. If I was just doing this to prove something to myself, I could be proud that I'm really the only girl in that school who takes Muay Thai and fights with the guys. Or that after a few months or years, I could be confident knowing that I could defend myself if something ever happened to me. But I want to get in the cage and show that my hard work and focus has paid off. It's not just beating someone up or winning a match. It's about getting in there and showing your game.

And, unlike running, when I felt like I was 'tough enough' to cut corners, cut workouts, sneak a cigarette in here or there - I know I can't do that with Muay Thai. I don't want to sacrifice the opportunity I have here.

So my schedule is going to be insane. When I'm not working, I'll be at the gym.

**I had to take note, because although at times I feel like I'm on the top of the world, I have bad days at the gym, usually after sparing(and usually only if I feel like I've run out of steam). I included the link below to remind myself that I'm not the only one who feels that way, and to remember to leave all my personal shit outside the gym. Self doubt, anxieties, fear, and exhaustion - all that gets left outside the ring.**
http://www.fightergirls.net/phpBB/viewtopic.php?t=3548

Almost a year ago, my good friend Jeff moved down to New Orleans. It was a real smart move on his part, he had lived in Western New York (or Syracuse) his whole life, and he has the talent and drive to make it anywhere; I thought it would be great for him to get some new experiences and just live somewhere different for awhile. As is the phenomenon of Buffalo, I've found that if you've grown up in the WNY area, and you don't go somewhere else for college (I'm talking 3+ hour drive away, so not necessarily terribly far), you usually don't ever get out. Buffalo isn't a bad town, but I think everyone who has grown up there needs to live somewhere else for awhile. If, for nothing else, to get away from the snow.

::side note: I love snow, I am not bashing snow here::

Anyway, so Jeff and his lovely girlfriend are living in New Orleans now. And I want to go visit him. Luckily, so does another friend of ours, Joey. Joey has recently picked up running as a hobby and is actually running a half marathon this weekend. I'm so proud of him. He asked me for running advice when he first started out.

The past couple of times I've actually had a vacation, I've only been able to justify the trip with a marathon. I don't take vacations ever, and I almost feel guilty if I take the time off of work and I go somewhere and I don't race. Sounds crazy, but that's how I roll. And I haven't trained for a marathon in over a year, and I actually miss it. I miss getting up early on a saturday morning to hash out 12 or 16 miles.

New Orleans' marathon is Feburary 28th. I figured that would be a perfect time to take a vacation, see Jeff, and run a marathon with Joey. It's like killing 3 birds with one stone. That gives me about 6 months to train for the marathon(or half marathon if I want to be realistic-but who wants that?). This would be a big thing for me, since I've never run a marathon with a friend before. I've had friends meet me out on the course and run a bit with me, or just give me a bottle of water, but never the whole way through.

Hell, as long as we're not being realistic, why don't I shoot to qualify for Boston?

Why not indeed.

My sister gave me a book, The Temperament God Gave You, and although I never, ever read, I decided to give it a try. This isn't a post about Spirituality, or even about reading, it's about understanding my own temperament.

The book lays out 4 specific temperaments, traits that you're born with that determine the type of person you are. Not exactly personality traits, but an explanation of what makes you tick. Wikipedia does a mediocre job of explaining the temperaments, but it's better than nothing if you have no clue what I'm talking about. I'd suggest reading the book. It's not all about Christianity and Spirituality either.

It was pretty fun to read about the different temperaments and figuring out which one I was. One stood out plain as day: I am Phlegmatic. Basically, that means I'm a calm, laid back person who appreciates harmony and peace. And not the hippie-like 'Why can't we all just get along?' crap. Really, I'm a peacemaker. I always have been since I was a little kid. I can empathize with others and I'm very loyal, but I don't wear my heart on my sleeve and I'm usually pretty quiet and passive. However, I also have a tendency to be downright lazy, I shrink away from conflict and I can be very resistant to change, especially if it forces me to change a schedule that I've meticulously set up for myself.

I also tend to gravitate to doing what other people want to do and not realize that I might not be doing what I want to do, because I want to make other people happy and that's what makes me happy. Does that make sense? It made sense to me. In all of my past relationships, I've picked up tons of hobbies that I did because my boyfriend wanted to do it with me. Most things I enjoyed well enough, but when the relationship ended, so did that activity. My main reminder of this is the samurai sword I have hidden away in my closet.

One thing really struck me about the characteristics of a Phlegmatic. They are difficult to motivate and have a tendency to be lazy (in a physical sense). Also, they need a lot of positive encouragement (more so than other temperaments), and tend to withdraw when nagged, criticized, or sometimes, even when challenged.

Instantly, I thought about running. I have always had difficulty getting out there and running, motivating myself, and I always wondered why this was so difficult for me to do if I really enjoyed doing it? Also, no one 'got' me into running. It's one of the only things that I chose to do on my own, without any prodding from anyone. It's something I've held onto for a long time because I realized the importance of that. However, should something I enjoy be a constant challenge for me? And I'm not talking about challenges like completing a 50 miler, or running a 6 minute mile. I'm talking about waking up every morning and going out there and just doing it. After reading and understanding a little more about my temperament, I think I'm starting to understand that yes, running will always be a challenge. It will always be tough for me to go against my natural tendencies and preferences and get out there and be active, to constantly push myself even though I don't like being pushed-it tends to make me regress into a passive state. Perhaps, after knowing that I'm motivated by what other people want to do and in my need to make other people happy, I should join a running club, or do a relay marathon, something where I know people are counting on me to run and to keep up my part.

However, I do like how I've made running such an individual activity. I am a very independent person and especially with my insane schedule, I need as much free time as I can get. I need time away from other people and even away from my dog so I don't gravitate to my natural state of attaining order and making everyone happy. I know I need time to listen to myself and just do what I want to do. Unfortunately, motivating myself is much more than 'Just do it!'

I guess I haven't really figured out anything, maybe when I'm working less and have more free time I'll join a running club, since I think that will really encourage me to run since I'll be around other people who enjoy the same activity. But right now, I'll keep running personal. It's holding my nose above water and encouraging me to keep treading water until I can get enough strength to pull myself out of this situation.

Stuff's been happening lately. Big stuff. Stuff that makes me go back to smoking like a chimney. I was really proud of my healthy eating (I wasn't even drinking diet coke anymore!), and how much work I was doing, getting up early and going to Muay Thai.

Most of that has gone to shit for now. I know I'll get back to it, but right now, I have to sort some shit out.

Remember playing dodgeball in elementary school PE(gym) class? If you didn't, you either didn't grow up in this country, or I went to a way more WASP-y school than I thought. I was awesome at dodgeball. Most of the time, I was the last player standing after everyone else had been tagged out. If we were playing the 'prisioner' version of dodgeball, I was usually able to 'rescue' most of my team, because I played softball, and I could throw accurately. I loved playing dodgeball because I wasn't terribly awesome at any other sport - ever (yeah, I was pretty bad at softball too).

Though, despite all my aweseome feats, I dreaded the beginning of class when it came time to pick the teams. Since I wasn't popular in just about any group, I was picked last every time. You know, the last two people are a) the most unpopular girl in class, and b) the smelly/weird girl. Usually the smelly/weird girl got picked first. I'm sure everyone's been the last one picked at some point, and it sirs up a host of insecurities that you thought you got over in high school.

I call it the Dodgball eEffect.

I've been going to Muay Thai 3-4 times a week for a steady 2 months now, and you would have thought by now that most of the guys in the class wouldn't be scared to hit a girl. Yet whenever our sensei, Marcelo, tells us to pair up, I know that if there's an odd number of students in the class, I'll be sparring against Marcelo for the first round. As soon as I look around me to non-verbally ask, 'You wanna pair up?' with anyone, their eyes dart away and search for someone else. This happens a few more times. The Dodgeball Effect. I hate it. I am left without a partner and Marcelo steps in to spar with me.

I guess I can't blame it all on the fact that I'm the only girl in class, it could be because I'm new. But I know most of the guys there at least by name by now. And I should be excited to spar with Marcelo, after all, it's practically like I'm getting a private lesson from him, but sparing with anyone who is a black belt or above is terrifying. Not because I'm afraid they're going to hit me (black belts have more control over their movements; and as I've discussed before, sparring is not code for being the crap out of someone), but because I feel like every second I'm being judged. I know I'm not, and I know no one expects me to do practically anything right because I'm a white belt. But since I am overly critical of myself and I always expect the worst, no rational argument has been able to keep me from thinking that all Marcelo is thinking is, 'This girl sucks.'

I know I'm getting better though, because everyone from Marcelo to the other instructors in class have told Sean (he does Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu there) that I'm doing well. And Sean doesn't ask them how I'm doing, so there'd be no reason for them to say that if it wasn't true. It sounds stupid, but I really do feel the need to be better than 'average.' And yes, mainly that's because I'm surrounded by boys. Even though I'm a total tomboy and I've always run with the boys, this feels different. This is competetive. Fun, yes, but competetive. I'm already thinking about how I might want to fight in a year or two. Though I'd be fighting only against other girls, they also would be as tough as the boys, and that's what i want.

Toughness. It's not enough for me to be 'tough for a girl,' just tough.

Sidenote: I weighed myself in the morning and right before I went to bed last night(yeah, i know i shouldn't weigh myself so much, but i just couldn't help it), and I actually weighed less in the evening than I did in the morning! Thank you Muay Thai practice and 5 mile run!

It helps a lot to have a dog who can adapt to a new routine like clockwork within a week.

For the past few days I've been getting better at getting up at 5:30 and going for a short run. Most days, I took the dog with me, to kill two birds with one stone. I still don't really like taking Snow out on my runs. Picture yourself getting out of bed and lazily putting on your running clothes and shoes. You're just about out the door when your 8 year old starts crying and begging you to take him with you on your run. You agree begrudgingly (pretend you're a really slow runner and you're not going far at all). You and your kid start running, and all goes well for about a half mile. Then the kid gets bored with running. It stops to look at something, darts in front of you making you lose your stride, at one point the kid just starts sprinting towards a busy road and you have to run after it to stop your silly child from being flattened (or pretend you've put the kid on a leash, you still get pulled every which way by their movements). This continues for the next mile or so. After that, your kid gets tired, they fall behind, they use any excuse at all to slow down or stop completely. You tell yourself that you'll never take your kid on another one of your runs. The next morning, the kid comes into your room, 20 minutes before your alarm goes off, jumps on your bed and starts whining about why you haven't gotten up and taken him to run yet.

I have no idea why I had to use a kid in the above scenario. I could have just told you about what my dog does and it would have made perfect sense. I've been told that I compare children to dogs a lot. Before you get huffy, think about it. They really do share a lot of the same qualities.

I guess it's not as bad as it sounds, because he gets a little better with every run, but it's tough right now. Hopefully one day he'll be a dog I'll barely notice during my runs, and maybe one day after that I'll really look forward to running with him.

However, he adapts to one thing quite well. For the past few mornings, if I'm not already out of bed and on my way out by 5:50, he whines and cries and begs me to get out of bed. I don't know if he wants to go for a run or he just has to pee, but either way, it gets me up when the snooze button is so tempting to keep hitting (even though Sean hates it when I do that).

And getting up in the morning is actually easier than I thought. I've been feeling better and happier in general, and I wouldn't say I have more energy throughout the day, but it's not as much of a struggle as it was only a few weeks ago. I'll bet there's a lot of other circumstances that have helped attribute to my change of mood, but hey, I'll take what I can get.