It is really, really hard to stay focused and on track when your mind
is working against you. I'm not talking about willpower or fatigue. I'm
talking a serious chemical imbalance.
I mentioned in an earlier post about how my biggest hurdles are my own emotions. That
was only a half truth. I'm a big believer in positive thinking and
making the best of situations; and if you can't do that, then just do
what you need to do, power through it, and get it done. Then you can
have a glass of wine and hope things go better tomorrow.
Sometimes I have the strength to do that and it all works out wonderfully.
Sometimes I skip everything and go right to the glass of wine.
Sometimes I forget that I have depression, and that's when I get into trouble.
Anyone
who has been physically injured knows that you have limits. You don't
push yourself to the edge again and again just to prove you can. The
reward for that stupidity is only more injuries.
Depression
is an injury working against your happiness, sanity, and any passion
you have for anything. If it's not acknowledged and treated it will
only get worse. Like a physical injury, if you push and push, you will
be damaged permanently.
But I
like to forget
about my depression. I like thinking of myself as a little badass who
can do anything despite any obstacle. I hate having this disability,
this plague that tries to kill anything good inside me. I hate being
afraid that people won't understand or worse, won't care when I try to
open up to them. I hate that this will be with me my whole life, and how
it will affect those around me. How tired they're going to get by
trying to help me fight a battle they don't even understand. The worst
is when I try to explain to someone that depression is just something I
have to live with and do the best I can despite it; and I get told that I
just have to 'let go of my depression;' or when someone takes
this post I wrote and thinks it was just me talking about a pair of shoes.
At
that point I want to believe these people. I want to believe that I'm
just making a bigger deal out of my problem than what's really there. I
want to believe that I can get rid of it by sheer willpower. But I
can't. I know better than that. Knowing that I have a weakness that I
can't just 'will away' keeps me strong. Knowledge is power and all that,
I guess.
But some people will believe it.
They'll believe it because DEPRESSION LIES
Depression
lies and will continue lying, convincing you of the most evil and
heartless things possible. I've found the only way to treat it is to
think of it as an annoying 'Dark Passenger' as Dexter would put it.
Acknowledge it's presence, and don't believe a word it says. If life is
going great and you think the Passenger is gone, it can be a real shock
when you suddenly hear it's voice in your head again- don't get caught
off guard.
I've been off my meds since Christmas.
Obviously they are a pretty important part of my ongoing treatment, and
being off them for this long has had some pretty nasty side effects. But
finally,
finally I got a month's supply and I felt
better. Knowing your brain is going to become chemically balanced in
another day or two is a really nice light at the end of the tunnel.
Hopefully
by next Monday I won't be battling my Passenger as hard as I have been,
and I can get back to fighting for the things that the Passenger tried
to take away from me. Things I'm passionate about.
And
even if the Passenger is screaming in my ear--telling me I'm no good at
these things, that no one likes what I do, that nothing I do will be
worthwhile--I can continue fighting for these things anyway.
The fight goes on
